adBlockCheck

Everything On TV Reminds David Wright Of Monumental Collapses

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Everything On TV Reminds David Wright Of Monumental Collapses

WASHINGTON—Seeking to take his mind off thoughts of the Mets' abysmal September fade in 2007 and their current spiral into second place in the NL East, David Wright began to panic Wednesday as every channel he flipped to on his hotel TV reminded him of monumental collapses. "The first thing I saw was a report on the Dow Jones plummeting 500 points, with this big graphic of a flashing red arrow pointing down," said Wright, who also flipped past the film Titanic, part of Wheel Of Fortune just as the wheel came to a stop on "Bankrupt," a commercial for a collapsible sofa-bed, footage of 9/11, a weatherman saying that "things are about to cool down significantly as we head toward October," and a photo of Joan Rivers' face. Wright said he seriously began to suspect that he was going insane when teammate Carlos Delgado entered the room and asked Wright if he'd "seen [his] 'Mets squander a three-game lead with a week to play and end up losing the division to the Phillies on the last day of the season' around here anywhere."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close