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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Everything On TV Reminds David Wright Of Monumental Collapses

WASHINGTON—Seeking to take his mind off thoughts of the Mets' abysmal September fade in 2007 and their current spiral into second place in the NL East, David Wright began to panic Wednesday as every channel he flipped to on his hotel TV reminded him of monumental collapses. "The first thing I saw was a report on the Dow Jones plummeting 500 points, with this big graphic of a flashing red arrow pointing down," said Wright, who also flipped past the film Titanic, part of Wheel Of Fortune just as the wheel came to a stop on "Bankrupt," a commercial for a collapsible sofa-bed, footage of 9/11, a weatherman saying that "things are about to cool down significantly as we head toward October," and a photo of Joan Rivers' face. Wright said he seriously began to suspect that he was going insane when teammate Carlos Delgado entered the room and asked Wright if he'd "seen [his] 'Mets squander a three-game lead with a week to play and end up losing the division to the Phillies on the last day of the season' around here anywhere."

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