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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Everything On TV Reminds David Wright Of Monumental Collapses

WASHINGTON—Seeking to take his mind off thoughts of the Mets' abysmal September fade in 2007 and their current spiral into second place in the NL East, David Wright began to panic Wednesday as every channel he flipped to on his hotel TV reminded him of monumental collapses. "The first thing I saw was a report on the Dow Jones plummeting 500 points, with this big graphic of a flashing red arrow pointing down," said Wright, who also flipped past the film Titanic, part of Wheel Of Fortune just as the wheel came to a stop on "Bankrupt," a commercial for a collapsible sofa-bed, footage of 9/11, a weatherman saying that "things are about to cool down significantly as we head toward October," and a photo of Joan Rivers' face. Wright said he seriously began to suspect that he was going insane when teammate Carlos Delgado entered the room and asked Wright if he'd "seen [his] 'Mets squander a three-game lead with a week to play and end up losing the division to the Phillies on the last day of the season' around here anywhere."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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