adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Evidence Piling Up Mom Slept With One Of Her College Professors

COLUMBIA, SC—Citing “very strong evidence” that includes his mother saving several of her research papers from the course and how she often mentions how much her teacher meant to her, local teen Brandon Lipka, 15, told reporters Sunday that he’s beginning to suspect his mother had an affair with her art history professor while a student at Indiana University in the 1980s. “I noticed that, although Mom has never worked in any art-related field, she took multiple Art History classes in college, and she still has every one of Professor Waltham’s books all these years later,” said Lipka, who first began building his case when his mother seemed “almost too excited” several months after finding an old photo of herself and the professor. “Also, she always talked about a trip to Italy that they both went on, but now that I think of it, none of the stories ever have any of her classmates in it. That’s not normal, right? A field trip with just a professor and one student?” According to Lipka, the smoking gun was an inscription in one of the professor’s books that read, “I really enjoyed our time together, Anne. Yours, Gregory.”

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close