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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Evidence Piling Up Mom Slept With One Of Her College Professors

COLUMBIA, SC—Citing “very strong evidence” that includes his mother saving several of her research papers from the course and how she often mentions how much her teacher meant to her, local teen Brandon Lipka, 15, told reporters Sunday that he’s beginning to suspect his mother had an affair with her art history professor while a student at Indiana University in the 1980s. “I noticed that, although Mom has never worked in any art-related field, she took multiple Art History classes in college, and she still has every one of Professor Waltham’s books all these years later,” said Lipka, who first began building his case when his mother seemed “almost too excited” several months after finding an old photo of herself and the professor. “Also, she always talked about a trip to Italy that they both went on, but now that I think of it, none of the stories ever have any of her classmates in it. That’s not normal, right? A field trip with just a professor and one student?” According to Lipka, the smoking gun was an inscription in one of the professor’s books that read, “I really enjoyed our time together, Anne. Yours, Gregory.”

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