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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Evidence Piling Up Mom Slept With One Of Her College Professors

COLUMBIA, SC—Citing “very strong evidence” that includes his mother saving several of her research papers from the course and how she often mentions how much her teacher meant to her, local teen Brandon Lipka, 15, told reporters Sunday that he’s beginning to suspect his mother had an affair with her art history professor while a student at Indiana University in the 1980s. “I noticed that, although Mom has never worked in any art-related field, she took multiple Art History classes in college, and she still has every one of Professor Waltham’s books all these years later,” said Lipka, who first began building his case when his mother seemed “almost too excited” several months after finding an old photo of herself and the professor. “Also, she always talked about a trip to Italy that they both went on, but now that I think of it, none of the stories ever have any of her classmates in it. That’s not normal, right? A field trip with just a professor and one student?” According to Lipka, the smoking gun was an inscription in one of the professor’s books that read, “I really enjoyed our time together, Anne. Yours, Gregory.”

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