Evil Genius' Cat Subpoenaed

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How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Evil Genius' Cat Subpoenaed

WASHINGTON, DC–Esmerelda, the fluffy white Persian cat owned by evil genius Dr. Kronos, was subpoenaed Monday to testify regarding the alleged subterranean activities of Kronos. "The cat in question will be asked what she knows about Kronos' trafficking of plutonium across international borders, as well his construction of a massive undersea lair beneath the Pacific Ocean and the creation of an electro-pulse ray that can cause entire city populations to collapse of a seizure." In exchange for her testimony, Esmerelda will be granted full immunity, as well as a tin of Liverpool kippers served in a crystal goblet, precisely as she likes.