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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite

The tiny trilobite, just evolving away without a care in the world.
The tiny trilobite, just evolving away without a care in the world.

Slowly inching his segmented exoskeleton across the sea floor, a local marine arthropod, class Trilobita, reported that Earth's natural evolution was "progressing quite nicely."

"Things are looking mighty fine," announced the prehistoric invertebrate, taking measure of his surroundings through a series of small, hexagonal eyelets located at the tip of his thorax. "Sulfurous gas seems to be bubbling up to the surface pretty good, and several single-cell organisms appear to be mutating at a rather steady pace. Also, just today, I developed the ability to roll into a small protective shell in order to avoid predators."

Added the trilobite, "Yup, this evolution thing is going great."

According to the 4-inch-wide arthropod, the entire planet—once nothing more than a large, tedious mass of molten rock—has really taken shape recently. Clearing a swath of nourishing algae from his glabella, the excited prehistoric organism went on to report that a number of interesting changes had occurred, including the sprouting of several new microbial communities, and the development of a process known only as photosynthesis, which the trilobite called "hard to explain, but really, really cool."

In addition, the trilobite said, the shifting of tectonic plates, and with them, the birth of new mountain ranges, river valleys, and coastlines, seemed to be coming along great.

"It's a wonderful time to be alive," said the tri-lobed creature, its protruding feelers and antennules twitching spasmodically with anticipation. "To be born during this, the Cambrian Explosion—why, I couldn't imagine a better period, really. It's all happening right now! I mean, if things keep going the way they're going, what with evolution taking off and everything, pretty soon we'll have huge, towering reptiles roaming across the earth."

"Can you imagine it? Reptiles!" the trilobite added. "I'm not even sure what those are!"

The trilobite then settled down in his murky lagoon, where for the third straight night he would rest soundly while thoughts of someday becoming a brine shrimp, or perhaps even a crustacean—each of which, he knew, would be just a small part of the beautiful upward arc of life, forever changing, forever moving toward balance and harmony—danced in his tiny, insignificant head.

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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