Evolution to Occur Thursday

In This Section

Vol 29 Issue 06

Deadly New Virus Found To Be 'Real Squiggly'

Scientists and doctors at Princeton’s Institute for Advanced Studies, working around the clock in pursuit of a cure for the mysterious new “SeloThoxxyn-P Five” virus, yesterday announced the stunning discovery that the virus is “real squiggly.” The news c...

Jesus Free After Killing Hooker

ST. LOUIS, MO—Jesus the Christ, Son of Yahweh, is free on bond today after being arrested for the murder of Wanda Jimenez, 38, an East Side prostitute.

Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

An area harlot exposed her face and neck to the naked eyes of several area men yesterday, stirring deep within them filthy and sinful desires.

Crips Streamline Membership Application Process

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better serve potential new members, the L.A.-based Crips street gang unveiled a revamped gang application procedure yesterday, one expected to reduce both initiation beatings and paperwork by 50 percent.

Bronx Zoo Opens New Loitering Teens Exhibit

The Bronx Zoo, long a trailblazer among the world’s zoological reserves, opened its exciting new Loitering Teens exhibit Saturday to the anticipation of zoogoers nationwide.“They are fascinating,” said Ronald Fehgr, 51, a member of the Bronx Zoo Board of...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Evolution to Occur Thursday

Beginning February 22, Human Arms Will Be Slightly Shorter

PALO ALTO, CA—In a surprising announcement, scientists at Stanford University revealed yesterday that beginning this Thursday, human arms will become four to six inches shorter. The slight anatomical change, the most significant evolutionary development among homo sapiens in approximately 10,000 years, is expected to occur sometime between 4 and 4:30 a.m. EST.

Very soon, humans will notice a slight change in their arms, as evolutionary progress will cause them to shrink slightly. The change will be minor, but sudden, occurring over a 30-minute period on the morning of February 22.

“For millions of years, we as a species have slowly been moving away from the apes,” Stanford’s top evolutionary biologist Dr. Maura Creighton said. “This Thursday represents the next big step in this process. It’s very exciting.”

According to Creighton, humans, with their inactive lifestyles and ever-increasing reliance on technology and machines for physical chores, have been moving toward shorter arms since the Industrial Revolution.

“The average person of today is a far cry from the fit, active human of 100 years ago,” Creighton said. “By the year 2050, I expect our arms will be mere four-inch nubs, subtly protruding from our shoulder sockets.”

Evolutionary biologists claim they have seen this change coming, but it was only one of many hypothetical possibilities up until this week. Besides arm length, biologists have theorized that buttocks will become more seat-shaped, male facial hair will disappear altogether, and the human stomach will be replaced by a bird-like gizzard.

Thursday’s arm shortening will mark the first significant physical change in humans since 1948’s loss of opposable toes.

“I’ll never forget that day,” said Frank Costello, 89. “It was around 6, and I was enjoying a delicious steak dinner with my wife Helen, when all of a sudden, my fork fell out from between my toes. I tried to pick it up again, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t. I had lost all use of my feet, just like that.”

Perhaps more than anyone else, America’s clothing manufacturers expect to benefit greatly from the change in arm length.

“People will need totally new wardrobes,” Gap spokesperson Diane Schmidt said. “And thanks to our brand-new line of specially modified button-downs, plain pocket-T’s and 100% wool roll-neck sweaters, Americans will be able to evolve in relaxed, great-fitting style.”

Also excited by the evolution news is America’s freakishly deformed population.

“As a result of my mother’s exposure to the chemical Thalidamide during her pregnancy, I was born with badly shortened limbs, both arms and legs,” said Harris Lawson, 32, of Scottsdale, AZ. “Now perhaps I will no longer be shunned wherever I go.”

Experts warn that although slight, the change in arm length will require some getting used to.

“For the next few months, people will be reaching for things and coming up short,” Baylor University psychology professor Milton Jarmel-son said. “A can here, a light bulb there. At times, that will undoubtedly get pretty frustrating. But when someone gets angry, they should try to remember that they’re not alone.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More