Evolution to Occur Thursday

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Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Evolution to Occur Thursday

Beginning February 22, Human Arms Will Be Slightly Shorter

PALO ALTO, CA—In a surprising announcement, scientists at Stanford University revealed yesterday that beginning this Thursday, human arms will become four to six inches shorter. The slight anatomical change, the most significant evolutionary development among homo sapiens in approximately 10,000 years, is expected to occur sometime between 4 and 4:30 a.m. EST.

Very soon, humans will notice a slight change in their arms, as evolutionary progress will cause them to shrink slightly. The change will be minor, but sudden, occurring over a 30-minute period on the morning of February 22.

“For millions of years, we as a species have slowly been moving away from the apes,” Stanford’s top evolutionary biologist Dr. Maura Creighton said. “This Thursday represents the next big step in this process. It’s very exciting.”

According to Creighton, humans, with their inactive lifestyles and ever-increasing reliance on technology and machines for physical chores, have been moving toward shorter arms since the Industrial Revolution.

“The average person of today is a far cry from the fit, active human of 100 years ago,” Creighton said. “By the year 2050, I expect our arms will be mere four-inch nubs, subtly protruding from our shoulder sockets.”

Evolutionary biologists claim they have seen this change coming, but it was only one of many hypothetical possibilities up until this week. Besides arm length, biologists have theorized that buttocks will become more seat-shaped, male facial hair will disappear altogether, and the human stomach will be replaced by a bird-like gizzard.

Thursday’s arm shortening will mark the first significant physical change in humans since 1948’s loss of opposable toes.

“I’ll never forget that day,” said Frank Costello, 89. “It was around 6, and I was enjoying a delicious steak dinner with my wife Helen, when all of a sudden, my fork fell out from between my toes. I tried to pick it up again, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t. I had lost all use of my feet, just like that.”

Perhaps more than anyone else, America’s clothing manufacturers expect to benefit greatly from the change in arm length.

“People will need totally new wardrobes,” Gap spokesperson Diane Schmidt said. “And thanks to our brand-new line of specially modified button-downs, plain pocket-T’s and 100% wool roll-neck sweaters, Americans will be able to evolve in relaxed, great-fitting style.”

Also excited by the evolution news is America’s freakishly deformed population.

“As a result of my mother’s exposure to the chemical Thalidamide during her pregnancy, I was born with badly shortened limbs, both arms and legs,” said Harris Lawson, 32, of Scottsdale, AZ. “Now perhaps I will no longer be shunned wherever I go.”

Experts warn that although slight, the change in arm length will require some getting used to.

“For the next few months, people will be reaching for things and coming up short,” Baylor University psychology professor Milton Jarmel-son said. “A can here, a light bulb there. At times, that will undoubtedly get pretty frustrating. But when someone gets angry, they should try to remember that they’re not alone.”


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