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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Evolutionary Biologist Discovers Common Human Ancestor At Cousin's Wedding

MONTEREY, CA—Evolutionary biologist Scott Gerhardt told reporters Saturday he may have gained valuable insight into his family's evolutionary arc after discovering a common human ancestor in attendance at his cousin's wedding. "This organism's distinct markings place him within the same genus as both myself and my cousin Gary, if not that of my entire mother's side," Gerhardt posited of the nearby quadruped, which at press time appeared to be hibernating in a wheelchair near the buffet table. "Judging from the angle of his brow and the length of his shinbones, it would seem he lives a largely sedentary life. And from what I can see of his incisors, he likely feeds on both plant and animal material, much in the same manner as my Aunt Harriet—and myself, for that matter. Could it be possible he and I are cut from the same phylogenetic cloth?" Confirming it was too early to draw a conclusive link between himself and his potential primogenitor, the biologist said he hoped that once the dancing started he would get a chance to wheel the creature back to his laboratory for further examination.

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