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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Evolutionary Biologist Discovers Common Human Ancestor At Cousin's Wedding

MONTEREY, CA—Evolutionary biologist Scott Gerhardt told reporters Saturday he may have gained valuable insight into his family's evolutionary arc after discovering a common human ancestor in attendance at his cousin's wedding. "This organism's distinct markings place him within the same genus as both myself and my cousin Gary, if not that of my entire mother's side," Gerhardt posited of the nearby quadruped, which at press time appeared to be hibernating in a wheelchair near the buffet table. "Judging from the angle of his brow and the length of his shinbones, it would seem he lives a largely sedentary life. And from what I can see of his incisors, he likely feeds on both plant and animal material, much in the same manner as my Aunt Harriet—and myself, for that matter. Could it be possible he and I are cut from the same phylogenetic cloth?" Confirming it was too early to draw a conclusive link between himself and his potential primogenitor, the biologist said he hoped that once the dancing started he would get a chance to wheel the creature back to his laboratory for further examination.

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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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