adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Evolutionary Biologist Discovers Common Human Ancestor At Cousin's Wedding

MONTEREY, CA—Evolutionary biologist Scott Gerhardt told reporters Saturday he may have gained valuable insight into his family's evolutionary arc after discovering a common human ancestor in attendance at his cousin's wedding. "This organism's distinct markings place him within the same genus as both myself and my cousin Gary, if not that of my entire mother's side," Gerhardt posited of the nearby quadruped, which at press time appeared to be hibernating in a wheelchair near the buffet table. "Judging from the angle of his brow and the length of his shinbones, it would seem he lives a largely sedentary life. And from what I can see of his incisors, he likely feeds on both plant and animal material, much in the same manner as my Aunt Harriet—and myself, for that matter. Could it be possible he and I are cut from the same phylogenetic cloth?" Confirming it was too early to draw a conclusive link between himself and his potential primogenitor, the biologist said he hoped that once the dancing started he would get a chance to wheel the creature back to his laboratory for further examination.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close