Ex-Cop Drawn Into Web Of Intrigue And Deceit By Frequently Naked Woman

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Vol 34 Issue 10

Changing Weather Inspires Area Conversationalist

AUGUSTA, ME–The transition from summer to fall inspired local conversationalist Phillip Cadieux Monday. "Boy, it sure is starting to cool off out there," the 41-year-old Cadieux told fellow elevator passenger Jennifer Broderick, who was held rapt by the master monologuist's musings on the seasonal change. "I tell you, before you know it, it'll be time to dust off the old parka and break out the snow shovel."

Harper's Index: Percentage Of Harper's Readers Who Only Read Index: 98

NEW YORK–According to the Harper's Index in the October issue of Harper's, the percentage of the magazine's readers who only read the long-running index feature is 98. "Percentage of Harper's readers who stopped reading the magazine years ago and now only look at this page, if anything at all, before tossing it on their bathroom floor to seem smart to guests: 98," the index read.

Area Waitress Has One Hell Of An Ass On Her, Local Man Will Tell You That Right Now

BEAUMONT, TX–Beaumont-area delivery driver Leon Riggs is not kidding when he tells you that local waitress Pamela Wohlper, 24, has one hell of an ass on her, it was reported Tuesday. "That is one tight, juicy little ass that waitress has got on her," Riggs said. "Yes sir, that is one sweet little can, you know I got that right." Riggs added that you would not believe the things he would do if he ever got that ass all to himself.

Mercy Hospital Turns Away Uninsured Patient

ASHEVILLE, NC–Mary Griebe, a 68-year-old uninsured woman suffering from severe chest pain, was turned away by St. Jude Mercy Hospital Tuesday. "Unfortunately, Mercy Hospital is unable to treat patients whose ability to pay is unclear," said hospital director Dr. Wesley Simmons. "The chest-pain sufferer who arrived at our emergency room was given directions to several other nearby hospitals that might be more willing to help her, including Good Samaritan General, Hope & Compassion County, and Basic Human Decency General."

Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday that all highway mile markers will be replaced with raccoon carcasses. "Unlike the current mile markers, which are expensive and need frequent maintenance, dead raccoons are cheap to manufacture and can already be found at quarter-mile intervals on virtually every highway in America," Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater said. "All we need to do is spread the raccoons out evenly, and we'll be set."

I Am No Longer Allowed In The Pet Store

I used to love to go to the pet store, but then last week Mr. Schumacher told me I can't come in no more. They have such nice animals there, and I'm sad because now I can't touch them.

Ask Loni Anderson's Agent

Barry Wachtler is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Loni Anderson's Agent, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?
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Ex-Cop Drawn Into Web Of Intrigue And Deceit By Frequently Naked Woman

VAN NUYS, CA–Investigations are continuing into the recent downfall of Jack Castle, an ex-cop drawn into a web of intrigue and deceit by a frequently naked woman.

Ex-cop Jack Castle, who became enmeshed in a deadly web of intrigue and deception by a mysterious woman (right) with a penchant for shower-taking and clothes-changing.

Though police have yet to determine the exact cause of Castle's undoing, the frequent nudity of the "mystery woman" is believed to have played a major role.

Castle, who served on the Van Nuys Police Department for 27 years before quitting last year, had reportedly been driven over the edge by the devious schemes of the torso-baring woman.

"We don't have much info on this woman yet, but we do know that she lured Jack down a deadly path of lies and deception," said Van Nuys police chief Lou Phillips, Castle's former best friend until he quit the force. "We also know that she frequently needed to change, usually in a bathroom with a strategically placed mirror on an open door."

The case, which Van Nuys police officials have code-named "Operation Brutal Instinct 2," is regarded as the worst incident of erotic-thrilling in Van Nuys since March, when Officer Candi Jacobs went undercover as a stripper to catch a killer.

Frequently naked woman

The mysterious woman–who may be a reporter with an ulterior motive, a streetwise hooker on the run, a con artist out to make a bundle on insurance fraud, or a psychotic killer on a murder spree–is believed to have preyed on Castle's deepest fears of manhood-inadequacy in luring him to his doom.

"Castle was a tough cop once–one of the best," Phillips said. "But he never forgave himself for what happened to his beloved Victoria. And that left him deeply vulnerable to the type of woman who puts on her thong panties in front of open windows."

Phillips said Castle became embroiled in the oft-nude woman's manipulations because of his inability to come to terms with the tragic end of his relationship with Victoria Hope, who left him because of his neglect for her burning sexual needs.

"He was so wrapped up in his work, he was unable to give his woman the raw, unbridled passion she craved," Phillips said. "Starved for affection, she eventually fell into the arms of her cable installer."

"That was the day she left Jack," said Phillips, pensively running his fingers over his stubbled face. "A short time later, she was found murdered with her own silk stockings. He quit the force the next day."

Experts say Castle's anguish over his failure as a lover and a cop is the reason he became so vulnerable he couldn't stop his descent into the woman's whirlwind of deception, betrayal, lust... and murder.

Said forensic psychologist Dr. William Katt: "The frequent, gratuitous nudity-behavior demonstrated by this mystery woman seems to have unleashed Jack Castle's inner demons to the point where he could no longer control his dark side, and he became trapped in a nightmare of graphic violence, adult situations, explicit language and strong sexual content."

Described by witnesses as a classic femme-fatale archetype preying on male fears of the vagina dentata, the frequently naked woman was last seen wearing stiletto heels, thick eyeliner, a red garter, pantyhose and lingerie and no bra. Her breasts were described as "enormous."

Said noted criminal behaviorist Dr. Julian Sands, "Jack Castle was a man who faced muggers, drug dealers and gun-toting gangs without batting an eye. But it was this sinister seductress–armed with two naked, heaving, surgically enhanced breasts, jutting forth in bold defiance of gravity, their pert, erect nipples thrusting forward–who destroyed him in the end."

Though many of Castle's close friends were deeply shocked upon learning of his tragic story and its surprise twist ending–which has been described as "a real shocker that will leave you breathless"–no one is more distraught than his estranged father, Lance Castle.

"I should have been there for my son," the elder Castle said. "Parental discretion should have been advised."

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