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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Ex-Girlfriend Don't Want To Speak To You No More, New European Boyfriend Reports

LANCASTER, PA—According to the latest information provided by the unnamed, impossibly debonair-sounding European man who is now answering all of her calls, your ex-girlfriend, Rebecca Norsten, "don't want to speak to you no more."

The new policy of non-communication, not elaborated upon by Norsten herself, was announced during a phone call to her apartment early Monday morning in the suave, confident tones of an Italian or possibly Portuguese individual of indeterminate height and muscle tone. Phone records indicate the statement was made at 9:35 a.m.—approximately one hour and 25 minutes too early for the speaker to have been a platonic visitor who did not spend all last night giving the love of your life everything you never could.

"Rebecca is no coming to the phone, my friend," reported the exotic-sounding stranger, who rolled his R's in a manner that strongly suggested he can outperform you sexually. "I am condolence for you, but what is to be done? There are many fishes, yes?"

The probable Mediterranean sex god concluded the statement by saying "ciao," after which it can be assumed he returned to his previous task of hand-feeding your ex-girlfriend slices of juicy mango while she reclined naked in a hammock, finally free from the burden of dating you.

Although no answers have been provided to your flabbergasted stutterings following the announcement, 17 hours of careful overanalysis did uncover several new, emasculating details from within the one-and-a-half-minute conversation. It is now believed that the olive-skinned baron and multiple- vineyard owner who relayed the message is currently living with and possibly married to the woman you once tried to impress by wearing a belt.

Ex-girlfriend

You have also been able to deduce, without the aid of visual confirmation, that Norsten's new European boyfriend was dressed in flowing white linen pants and rustic kidskin loafers, and is, at this very moment, slowly consuming a perfectly ripened orange.

"It must be really hard for her to talk so soon after we broke up," you have repeatedly told yourself to drown out images of the black-haired Adonis laying your ex-girlfriend upon a bed of imported silk cushions, removing a string of freshly killed quails from around his broad shoulders, and riding your beloved Becky like she was the last boat to America. "I'm sure this guy, whoever he is, is just a one-time thing. She'll probably explain everything next time we talk."

The announcement that communication would cease immediately came as a shock to everyone whom Norsten had previously promised to "love forever and ever." The 24-year-old Notre Dame graduate was your girlfriend from November 2007 to May 2008, and in that time made no mention of plans to visit Europe and had no European friends or coworkers. Upon closer recollection, however, it has been noted that Norsten once watched the entirety of Once Upon A Time In Mexico with you, more than twice commenting on actor Antonio Banderas' "sexy accent."

As of press time, it is unclear how you could have been so foolish.

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