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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Ex-Girlfriend Making Huge Mistake

CLEVELAND—Tracy Anderton is making a tremendous mistake by thinking she can find happiness with a successful trial lawyer, ex-boyfriend Jack Colgrave reported Tuesday. "Since we broke up, Tracy has exhibited some really self-destructive behavior, from losing a dramatic amount of weight, to discarding several old photo albums, to now becoming involved with people who are clearly wrong for her," Colgrave said. "If this doesn't stop soon, I worry she'll end up doing something really drastic—like moving in with this new guy, or worse, not answering any more of my telephone calls." As of press time, Anderton has continued to ignore pleas to stop and think for a second, look at what she's doing for Christ's sake, and not throw everything away because of some stupid other woman.

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