Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now

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Vol 39 Issue 40

Deep Down, Woman Knows She's Watching Entire Trading Spaces Marathon

WINNSBORO, LA—On some level, college professor Lynnda Dale, 48, knows she'll watch this Saturday's entire 12-episode Trading Spaces marathon, Dale almost acknowledged Monday. "Hey, I sorta like that stupid show," said Dale, when she spotted the row of listings for the TLC home-makeover series. "I've got a lot to do, so I'll just watch one episode. But on the off chance that I get sucked in, I can do those lesson plans the next day." Dale said that if she does tune in to the marathon, she won't pay close attention to the show, but will only keep it on for background noise as she does housework.

God's Gift To Women Returned

TUCSON, AZ—Moments after unsuccessfully propositioning all of the female patrons at the Kon Tiki Lounge, God's gift to women, 31-year-old Patrick Roland, was returned to his maker Monday night. "That Pat guy was cute, but he sure was pushy," said Debbie Werner, a fellow Lounge patron. "He kept trying to buy me Cosmos, but I told him to buzz off. A few minutes later, he stumbled out the door and got run over by a bus." Werner said she hopes that next time God's feeling generous, He gives women something more useful, like money.

79-Year-Old Still Saving For Future

OLATHE, KS—Frances Buntz, 79, continues to work diligently as a file clerk at Kansas State Insurance and save any extra money she can, Buntz said Monday. "When my husband had a stroke eight years ago, all of our savings went to bills," said Buntz, momentarily resting her weight on her cane. "Since then, I've been trying to build up a little nest egg." Buntz said she hopes to someday invest in a nice little place to settle down, or some medicine.

MacArthur Genius Grant Goes Right Up Recipient's Nose

ALBANY, NY—According to friends, the $500,000, five-year, no-strings-attached MacArthur Fellowship awarded to Jim Yong Kim earlier this month went right up the 43-year-old scientist's nose. "Kim's efforts to eradicate drug-resistant strains of tuberculosis in Russian prisons and Peruvian ghettos amazed everyone—as did his appetite for top-grade cocaine," Marisa Amir said Monday. "As soon as that first check arrived, Kim was on the phone with his dealer, and two hours later, he was in a hot tub full of strippers." His first installment of money gone, the scientist then returned to the task of developing a whole-cell cholera toxin recombinant B subunit vaccine.

Bush Disappointed To Learn Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn't Know Karate

WASHINGTON, DC—While he still plans to meet with Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing, President Bush was disappointed to learn that the dignitary does not know karate, White House adviser Karl Rove told reporters Tuesday. "I told George that karate is an ancient martial art of Japan, not China," Rove said. "I told him that in China, many practice kung fu—but I recommended that he stick to the more vital issue of relations with Taiwan and North Korea." In spite of Rove's suggestion, Bush plans to ask Zhaoxing to "do some of that Jackie Chan action."

Lieberman Pledges To Gloss Over The Boring Issues

HARTFORD, CT—Eager to distinguish himself in the nine-member field of Democratic candidates, presidential hopeful Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT) pledged Monday to "gloss over any and all issues boring to Americans today."

No Prison Can Hold Me, As Long As I Have My Imagination

Why, hello there! Come and have a seat next to me on the sand and gaze out over the ocean at the beautiful sunset. Listen to the caw of the seagulls! Hear the lapping of the waves against the dock! Take your shoes off, if you like. What's that you say? I'm sitting on my bunk at the Pelican Bay Correctional Facility? I'm sorry, but inmate #454336 doesn't care to limit himself to sitting inside these four walls. You see, while I'm doing 60 years to life for stabbing three elderly women to death, I can go anywhere my imagination takes me!
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now

SOUTH HADLEY FALLS, MA—Area resident Troy Zuniga, 27, is troubled by the idea of his ex-girlfriend Chrissy Baker playing Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution with someone new, Zuniga reported Tuesday.

Zuniga holds the video game he used to play with Baker (inset).

"Chrissy's probably at her new boyfriend's place playing VF4 right at this very minute," said Zuniga, responding to friends' inquiries about his unwillingness to play what was once his favorite game. "I think about her sitting in front of the television, flexing her fingers in that way she does when she's gearing up to fight, and I can barely take it."

"It's just really hard," said Zuniga, staring down at the Virtua Fighter 4 case in his hands. "Sorry."

Zuniga said his desire to play the popular Sega fighting game has been nonexistent ever since a friend sighted Baker with an unidentified male in a video-rental store Saturday.

"I know they went to Village Video to rent games," Zuniga said. "That was always one of our favorite things to do on the weekend—just lie around the house together and play video games. And, well, then we'd... I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Zuniga and Baker played PlayStation2 together for almost a year, and had spent the most time with Virtua Fighter 4 in the weeks leading up to their Oct. 3 breakup.

"Virtua Fighter was our game," Zuniga said. "Sometimes, we'd trade off the controller and work our way through the levels. We had our own special, shared save file. We made such a great team. But sometimes we'd go at each other in two-person mode."

"I wonder if she's doing that with that other guy," Zuniga said. "That would be like an infamously impossible-to-pull-off, 70-point, block-forward, forward, punch-plus-kick-to-jump-kick 'stomach-crumpler' combo-blow to the heart."

In spite of the game's great character-customization options and awesome comprehensive training mode, Zuniga said he may never play Virtua Fighter again.

"Too many memories," Zuniga said. "C-Bake and I worked so long and hard to learn all the combos and earn the quest objects. If it weren't for her, I never would've stuck with the game long enough to get past that battle with Dural. But then, if it weren't for me, she probably wouldn't have ever learned Lei Fei's intricate stances—so she could parade them around in front of what's-his-name."

Zuniga paused to regain his composure.

"We stayed up until dawn once, making out and learning the attack reversal system," Zuniga said. "It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing for me—but obviously not for her. I guess she's pulled the ultimate reversal on me now."

Zuniga watches the replay of a saved battle in which Baker played Ensei-Ken.

Zuniga, who doesn't plan to begin dating again any time soon, said he was surprised that Baker began to see other people so soon after their breakup.

"I can't imagine sharing those moments with someone else," Zuniga said. "Yet she's already out there playing as Pai Chan, the petite Ensei-Ken dancer, with someone new. It kills me to think of Chrissy directing that character's smug little grin at some other guy's character after she completes an acrobatic, double-leg-lock somersault throw."

According to those close to Zuniga, Virtua Fighter 4 is not the only game to spark his jealousy.

"Like a lot of other couples, Troy and Chrissy had a Grand Theft Auto thing," Zuniga's roommate Terry Nguyen said. "They also had some running argument about whether or not NHL 2003 was the best hockey game ever—not that Chrissy cared about hockey. It was just an excuse for them to get into a tickle fight."

"It's amazing that he can play any games at all anymore," Nguyen added.

Zuniga's friend Zoe Flagler said she believes that he will pull out of his depression.

"This will pass," Flagler said. "True, it's going to take some time for him to rid his memory card of the scores saved under her name. You know, he can't just erase what they had together, because if he did that, he'd lose his characters' identities, too. But in the end, Troy is better off without Chrissy. She used to control him, just like she controlled Pai Chan."

Zuniga, however, said he remains unsure of his prospects for recovery.

"There will never be another Chrissy," Zuniga said. "And there will never be another game as great as Virtua Fighter 4. That game was one in a million."

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