Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now

SOUTH HADLEY FALLS, MA—Area resident Troy Zuniga, 27, is troubled by the idea of his ex-girlfriend Chrissy Baker playing Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution with someone new, Zuniga reported Tuesday.

Zuniga holds the video game he used to play with Baker (inset).

"Chrissy's probably at her new boyfriend's place playing VF4 right at this very minute," said Zuniga, responding to friends' inquiries about his unwillingness to play what was once his favorite game. "I think about her sitting in front of the television, flexing her fingers in that way she does when she's gearing up to fight, and I can barely take it."

"It's just really hard," said Zuniga, staring down at the Virtua Fighter 4 case in his hands. "Sorry."

Zuniga said his desire to play the popular Sega fighting game has been nonexistent ever since a friend sighted Baker with an unidentified male in a video-rental store Saturday.

"I know they went to Village Video to rent games," Zuniga said. "That was always one of our favorite things to do on the weekend—just lie around the house together and play video games. And, well, then we'd... I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Zuniga and Baker played PlayStation2 together for almost a year, and had spent the most time with Virtua Fighter 4 in the weeks leading up to their Oct. 3 breakup.

"Virtua Fighter was our game," Zuniga said. "Sometimes, we'd trade off the controller and work our way through the levels. We had our own special, shared save file. We made such a great team. But sometimes we'd go at each other in two-person mode."

"I wonder if she's doing that with that other guy," Zuniga said. "That would be like an infamously impossible-to-pull-off, 70-point, block-forward, forward, punch-plus-kick-to-jump-kick 'stomach-crumpler' combo-blow to the heart."

In spite of the game's great character-customization options and awesome comprehensive training mode, Zuniga said he may never play Virtua Fighter again.

"Too many memories," Zuniga said. "C-Bake and I worked so long and hard to learn all the combos and earn the quest objects. If it weren't for her, I never would've stuck with the game long enough to get past that battle with Dural. But then, if it weren't for me, she probably wouldn't have ever learned Lei Fei's intricate stances—so she could parade them around in front of what's-his-name."

Zuniga paused to regain his composure.

"We stayed up until dawn once, making out and learning the attack reversal system," Zuniga said. "It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing for me—but obviously not for her. I guess she's pulled the ultimate reversal on me now."

Zuniga watches the replay of a saved battle in which Baker played Ensei-Ken.

Zuniga, who doesn't plan to begin dating again any time soon, said he was surprised that Baker began to see other people so soon after their breakup.

"I can't imagine sharing those moments with someone else," Zuniga said. "Yet she's already out there playing as Pai Chan, the petite Ensei-Ken dancer, with someone new. It kills me to think of Chrissy directing that character's smug little grin at some other guy's character after she completes an acrobatic, double-leg-lock somersault throw."

According to those close to Zuniga, Virtua Fighter 4 is not the only game to spark his jealousy.

"Like a lot of other couples, Troy and Chrissy had a Grand Theft Auto thing," Zuniga's roommate Terry Nguyen said. "They also had some running argument about whether or not NHL 2003 was the best hockey game ever—not that Chrissy cared about hockey. It was just an excuse for them to get into a tickle fight."

"It's amazing that he can play any games at all anymore," Nguyen added.

Zuniga's friend Zoe Flagler said she believes that he will pull out of his depression.

"This will pass," Flagler said. "True, it's going to take some time for him to rid his memory card of the scores saved under her name. You know, he can't just erase what they had together, because if he did that, he'd lose his characters' identities, too. But in the end, Troy is better off without Chrissy. She used to control him, just like she controlled Pai Chan."

Zuniga, however, said he remains unsure of his prospects for recovery.

"There will never be another Chrissy," Zuniga said. "And there will never be another game as great as Virtua Fighter 4. That game was one in a million."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close