Ex-Girlfriend To Arrive At 5:15 To Pick Up End Table

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Vol 34 Issue 04

Contact Paper Beautifies Drawer Interior

PAWTUCKET, RI–The drab, ordinary interior of the third drawer from the top in Beatrice Sewell's bedroom dresser was transformed into a storage area of poetic beauty Tuesday with the application of contact paper purchased at a Pawtucket-area Big Lots store. "The interior of this drawer has entered a new era of attractive, green-and-yellow floral splendor," decorating expert Helen Bowles said. "Look for drawer three to dominate drawer-interior aesthetics for decades to come."

Report: Shopoholism May Have Killed The Shoposauruses

MISSOULA, MT–According to a report released Tuesday by the University of Montana's department of natural history, the consumption-crazed dinosaur known as the Shoposaurus may have become extinct as a result of shopoholism. "Newly gathered field data indicates that the Shoposaurus, a creature which thrived for millions of years in the lush, competitively priced pastures of Triassic North America, was ultimately done in by its own insatiable addiction to shopping," read the report, which has sent shockwaves through the world's paleontological community. "This 'born-to-shop' species emptied prehistoric store shelves faster than those shelves could be restocked, causing the beast to run out of items to buy and die–literally shopping until dropping."

7-Year-Old Only Likes Corn

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Benjamin Gadsen, a local 7-year-old, dislikes all food other than corn, it was reported Tuesday. "He likes corn on the cob, corn niblets, creamed corn, corn chips, corn flakes, corn syrup, corn oil, cornbread, corn dogs, roasting ears, popcorn, and Indian corn," said Ruth Gadsen, the boy's mother. "Basically, if it's corn, he'll eat it."

Area Man May Have Lied About Having Sex

WENATCHEE, WA–Accusations are mounting in the sexual-misconduct investigation of Wenatchee resident Kenneth Briggs. "I am in possession of taped conversations proving that Briggs had sex with waitress Tina Pruitt, then urged her to lie about it," federal prosecutor Oliver Schill said. "I strongly urge Briggs to come forward now and admit the truth before more time and taxpayers' money is wasted." Though hearings have not yet begun, a number of Wenatchee residents are already calling for Briggs to step down from his position as a third-shift gas-station attendant.

HMOs And Birth Control

HMOs do not cover birth control, a fact that has angered many people in light of HMOs' coverage of Viagra. What do you think?

Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti

DARMSTADT, GERMANY–Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place of over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave their lives for Germany in World War II, had been desecrated during the night with pro-Semitic graffiti.

Aroint Thee, Heretic!

To-day's Sermon concerns Those who have committ'd various Transgressions against the Lord Our God and wish to atone for their Sins.
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Ex-Girlfriend To Arrive At 5:15 To Pick Up End Table

TUCSON, AZ–Jodi Hennings, 24, ex-girlfriend of area resident Rich Zeger, 25, announced Tuesday that she will arrive at 5:15 p.m. Thursday to pick up an end table from the apartment the two had shared until eight days ago.

Rich Zeger and Jodi Hennings in happier times during a 1997 vacation in Carmel, CA. Hennings is dropping by Thursday to pick up an end table (right) from the apartment the two had shared.

"I'm coming straight from work, so please be there," Hennings told Zeger during the 40-second telephone call she made from her new apartment, the location of which is unknown to Zeger. "Dave and I have tickets to a show, and I don't want to be late, so make sure to be around, okay?"

The 3' x 6' varnished-oak-veneer end table, which Hennings said should easily fit into the GMC Jimmy of her new boyfriend, Dave Klapisch, was purchased by the former couple at a yard sale in July 1996. Also acquired at the sale were a Rubbermaid juice pitcher and a tape dispenser, custody of which is currently in doubt.

"We both paid half for the end table," said Zeger, sitting on the floor of the apartment he and Hennings shared for nearly three years. "But I'm pretty sure Jodi was the one who picked it out, so I guess it counts as hers."

In order to be home at 5:15 p.m. for the end-table pick-up, Zeger, a clerk at Insty-Prints copy shop, will have to leave work early, resulting in a stern reprimand from his supervisor.

The end table.

"I'm totally gonna get reamed by [store manager] Peter [Goertz] for leaving early. The worst part is, Jodi acted like she didn't even know I'd be working then, even though I've had that same shift for the past year and a half," Zeger said. "But she said Dave and her were going out of town on a three-day weekend, so the only day they could pick up the table was Thursday."

Other items claimed by Hennings in the breakup include the microwave, all the dishes and silverware with the exception of a mug reading, "Rich's Coffee," the futon, the answering machine, a "shower caddy," and a halogen lamp.

Hennings also took the former couple's two cats, Percy, who originally belonged to her, and Michelangelo, who had belonged to Zeger.

"Jodi read somewhere that it's bad to split up cats that have been living together for awhile, so she took both of them," Zeger said. "I'll really miss Michelangelo, though. I've had him since he was a kitten."

Thursday's end-table pick-up will be Hennings' third trip to the apartment since the couple's Aug. 18 split.

"The first time she came by, I thought she maybe wanted to talk about getting back together," Zeger said. "But it turned out she just wanted the bath mat."

During both prior visits, Hennings was accompanied by Klapisch, which made Zeger uncomfortable.

"Seeing Dave help her carry her stuff out was really weird, because I already sort of knew the guy. For the past few months, he and Jodi were taking this Tae Kwon Do class together, and I was always taking phone messages from him," Zeger said. "Then I met him face-to-face when he picked her up to go rock-climbing one weekend."

"That was like a week before Jodi said it just wasn't working out between us anymore," Zeger said. "She said we'd both been ignoring the obvious problems in our relationship."

Beyond the loss of household possessions, the breakup has inflicted a heavy financial toll on Zeger. Until he can find a roommate, he must pay the apartment's $600 monthly rent by himself, in addition to the entire security deposit, half of which has been returned to Hennings.

"It really sucks, man, but what can you do?" said Zeger, who is supplementing his Insty-Prints income with bi-weekly visits to the local plasma-donation center. "I guess I should start looking for a roommate."

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