adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ex-Sniper Shot Dead After Surviving Years In Harrowing United States

GLEN ROSE, TX—Tragedy struck on Saturday as famed former sniper Chris Kyle reportedly was shot and killed at a local gun range, marking a bitter end to the life of a renowned Navy SEAL who had survived long, brutal years in the hellish landscape of the United States. “This man endured countless risks and witnessed indescribable horrors during his extended time in America, but in the end, his luck just ran out,” Glen Rose Police Department spokesman James Alvarez said of Kyle, whose shooting death was just one of hundreds of senseless acts of violence recorded in the United States so far this year. “Unfortunately, life here is cruel and unpredictable. Chris’ death is a reminder of that.” Alvarez added that though Kyle’s death is tragic, he hoped it would serve to convince people that it is “high time” all Americans were pulled out of the United States of America entirely.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close