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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Ex-Wife, Divorce Lawyer Killed As Model Train Careens Off Tracks

KOFSKY BASEMENT—In an accident that model train conductor Howard Kofsky called "a real goddamn shame," an 8-inch passenger car carrying his ex-wife Jillian Gilpin and her divorce attorney Pete Koechman careened off the tracks Monday after a miniature truss bridge suddenly and mysteriously went missing. "Jillian died on impact," the 44-year-old Kofsky said while standing over the wreckage in his boxer shorts. "That snake lawyer, though, he suffered a broken back, neck, legs, arms, face, fingers, and ribs, and was bleeding internally a lot. Also, he was burned alive after a giant lighter came down from the sky and set him on fire." According to basement sources, this is the eighth time that both Kofsky's ex-wife and her legal prosecutor have perished this month.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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