adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ex-Wife, Divorce Lawyer Killed As Model Train Careens Off Tracks

KOFSKY BASEMENT—In an accident that model train conductor Howard Kofsky called "a real goddamn shame," an 8-inch passenger car carrying his ex-wife Jillian Gilpin and her divorce attorney Pete Koechman careened off the tracks Monday after a miniature truss bridge suddenly and mysteriously went missing. "Jillian died on impact," the 44-year-old Kofsky said while standing over the wreckage in his boxer shorts. "That snake lawyer, though, he suffered a broken back, neck, legs, arms, face, fingers, and ribs, and was bleeding internally a lot. Also, he was burned alive after a giant lighter came down from the sky and set him on fire." According to basement sources, this is the eighth time that both Kofsky's ex-wife and her legal prosecutor have perished this month.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close