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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Exasperated James Holmes Requests Media Stop Calling Him ‘Alleged’ Colorado Shooter

CENTENNIAL, CO—Shortly after seeing yet another news article today describing him as an alleged mass shooter, frustrated Aurora theater gunman James Holmes urged the media to “cut the semantic bullshit” and stop referring to him as merely a suspect in the crime. “Look, I get the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing, but c’mon, let’s not be so precious here; I shot up a theater full of people,” said an aggravated Holmes, adding that he believes that, at this point, everyone can agree that using the word “alleged” is “pretty goddamn ridiculous.” “Or you know what? Fine. Let’s keep describing me as a ‘suspect,’ ‘the accused,’ or someone who has just been ‘charged.’ Because there was definitely another guy with dyed red hair, smoke bombs, and an assault rifle who ran in there and shot up the place.” At press time, the alleged gunman had no further comment.

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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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