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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Exasperated James Holmes Requests Media Stop Calling Him ‘Alleged’ Colorado Shooter

CENTENNIAL, CO—Shortly after seeing yet another news article today describing him as an alleged mass shooter, frustrated Aurora theater gunman James Holmes urged the media to “cut the semantic bullshit” and stop referring to him as merely a suspect in the crime. “Look, I get the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing, but c’mon, let’s not be so precious here; I shot up a theater full of people,” said an aggravated Holmes, adding that he believes that, at this point, everyone can agree that using the word “alleged” is “pretty goddamn ridiculous.” “Or you know what? Fine. Let’s keep describing me as a ‘suspect,’ ‘the accused,’ or someone who has just been ‘charged.’ Because there was definitely another guy with dyed red hair, smoke bombs, and an assault rifle who ran in there and shot up the place.” At press time, the alleged gunman had no further comment.

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