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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Exasperated James Holmes Requests Media Stop Calling Him ‘Alleged’ Colorado Shooter

CENTENNIAL, CO—Shortly after seeing yet another news article today describing him as an alleged mass shooter, frustrated Aurora theater gunman James Holmes urged the media to “cut the semantic bullshit” and stop referring to him as merely a suspect in the crime. “Look, I get the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing, but c’mon, let’s not be so precious here; I shot up a theater full of people,” said an aggravated Holmes, adding that he believes that, at this point, everyone can agree that using the word “alleged” is “pretty goddamn ridiculous.” “Or you know what? Fine. Let’s keep describing me as a ‘suspect,’ ‘the accused,’ or someone who has just been ‘charged.’ Because there was definitely another guy with dyed red hair, smoke bombs, and an assault rifle who ran in there and shot up the place.” At press time, the alleged gunman had no further comment.

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