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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Excited Firefighters Point Out Kid On Tricycle

CHICAGO—Firefighters at the 111th Ladder Company stared in wide-eyed wonder Monday as local 3-year-old Jeffrey Sturges quickly pedaled past their station house on his bright red tricycle. "Tricycle!" shouted Fire Chief Robert Clark, who, along with his crew, pressed his face against the station window and waved excitedly as the three-wheeled vehicle made its way down the street. "Hi! Hello! Hi!" Unable to contain its enthusiasm, the entire first unit then suited up, jumped inside their fire truck, and followed Sturges down the block in hopes of hearing him ring his tricycle's bell.

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