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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Excited Firefighters Point Out Kid On Tricycle

CHICAGO—Firefighters at the 111th Ladder Company stared in wide-eyed wonder Monday as local 3-year-old Jeffrey Sturges quickly pedaled past their station house on his bright red tricycle. "Tricycle!" shouted Fire Chief Robert Clark, who, along with his crew, pressed his face against the station window and waved excitedly as the three-wheeled vehicle made its way down the street. "Hi! Hello! Hi!" Unable to contain its enthusiasm, the entire first unit then suited up, jumped inside their fire truck, and followed Sturges down the block in hopes of hearing him ring his tricycle's bell.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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