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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Excited Juror Feels Like Murder Trial Being Put On Just For Her

CLEVELAND—Jamie Daniels, juror #7 in The State Of Ohio vs. Greg Mitchell, was "on the edge of the seat" after closing arguments in the double-murder trial Monday, saying she could not wait to see how it turned out, though she also wished the three-week-long "roller-coaster ride" could go on forever. "The prosecutor was just so intense and animated, and when he demanded that the jury show the accused killer no more mercy than he showed those young girls, I swear, he was looking right at me," said Daniels, who added that the defense attorney's disarming cross-examination of an important but unstable witness was just the kind of "riveting performance" she was hoping for. "Every day I know by the way the defendant glances at me that he is wondering if I, specifically, am on his side. And I love that." Heading in to deliberations, Daniels said she was not certain that Mitchell deserved the most severe punishment in the land, but admitted that a capital sentence had the most potential for multiple juicy appeals.

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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