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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Excited Juror Feels Like Murder Trial Being Put On Just For Her

CLEVELAND—Jamie Daniels, juror #7 in The State Of Ohio vs. Greg Mitchell, was "on the edge of the seat" after closing arguments in the double-murder trial Monday, saying she could not wait to see how it turned out, though she also wished the three-week-long "roller-coaster ride" could go on forever. "The prosecutor was just so intense and animated, and when he demanded that the jury show the accused killer no more mercy than he showed those young girls, I swear, he was looking right at me," said Daniels, who added that the defense attorney's disarming cross-examination of an important but unstable witness was just the kind of "riveting performance" she was hoping for. "Every day I know by the way the defendant glances at me that he is wondering if I, specifically, am on his side. And I love that." Heading in to deliberations, Daniels said she was not certain that Mitchell deserved the most severe punishment in the land, but admitted that a capital sentence had the most potential for multiple juicy appeals.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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