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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Excited Mike Krzyzewski: Duke Squad Hasn't Been This Unlikable In Years

DURHAM, NC—Though cautioning that it is still early in the season, a beaming Mike Krzyzewski told reporters Monday he has not seen a Duke team this unlikable in many years, and is optimistic about the Blue Devils' chances to grow even more repulsive and annoying with practice. "Obviously, we set the pace early with my all-time wins record and the never-ending, fawning media hoopla over that, and I think we've been able to stay consistently repellent since then," said Coach Krzyzewski, who argued that his current players' obnoxious ability to draw charges compares with his most loathsome teams ever, giving them the potential to become more infuriating than any J.J. Redick­–led squad. "We've got Stephen Curry's little brother, a ball-hogging NBA coach's son, three Plumlees, and a whole roster of overprivileged assholes, so all the pieces are in place for this to be one of the prickiest teams in Blue Devils history. We just need to get it done." Krzyzewski said he does not want to weigh the team down with expectations, but college basketball fans should not be surprised to find themselves cursing and turning off their televisions in utter disgust come March.

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