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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Excited Padres Ask Manager If Cardinals Can Sleep Over

SAN DIEGO—Fired up after a fun night of having the St. Louis Cardinals over to play baseball, the San Diego Padres asked manager Bud Black if the visiting team could stay at their stadium for the night, sources confirmed Monday. "I know you usually don’t let us have friends sleep over on a baseball night, but it doesn't make sense to make them go all the way back to their hotel when they could just stay here with us," Padres pitcher Mat Latos was overheard telling his manager while standing next to St. Louis Cardinals pitcher and "new best friend" Kyle Lohse. "Plus, their manager already said it was okay." Black reportedly allowed the sleepover, but he made his team promise not to stay up too late or get so loud that they wake the umpires.

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