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Excited Virginia Fans Storm Court To Beat Shit Out Of Duke Basketball Team

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Excited Virginia Fans Storm Court To Beat Shit Out Of Duke Basketball Team

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In a stunning and brutal display of support last Wednesday, frantic Virginia fans rushed the court at John Paul Jones Arena, swarmed the Duke men's basketball team, and pounded the ever-living shit out them. "This is so amazing. I never thought this day would come, but I'm on top of the world," said University of Virginia senior Chris Davis as he repeatedly smashed Duke forward Kyle Singler's face into the wood floor and pumped a blood-soaked fist in the air. "Nobody thought we could beat them like this, but we proved everyone wrong! Go Hoos Go!" According to security officials, Virginia coach Tony Bennett cut down the arena's basketball nets and then proceeded to shove them down Mike Krzyzewski's throat.

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