CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In a stunning and brutal display of support last Wednesday, frantic Virginia fans rushed the court at John Paul Jones Arena, swarmed the Duke men's basketball team, and pounded the ever-living shit out them. "This is so amazing. I never thought this day would come, but I'm on top of the world," said University of Virginia senior Chris Davis as he repeatedly smashed Duke forward Kyle Singler's face into the wood floor and pumped a blood-soaked fist in the air. "Nobody thought we could beat them like this, but we proved everyone wrong! Go Hoos Go!" According to security officials, Virginia coach Tony Bennett cut down the arena's basketball nets and then proceeded to shove them down Mike Krzyzewski's throat.