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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Excited Virginia Fans Storm Court To Beat Shit Out Of Duke Basketball Team

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In a stunning and brutal display of support last Wednesday, frantic Virginia fans rushed the court at John Paul Jones Arena, swarmed the Duke men's basketball team, and pounded the ever-living shit out them. "This is so amazing. I never thought this day would come, but I'm on top of the world," said University of Virginia senior Chris Davis as he repeatedly smashed Duke forward Kyle Singler's face into the wood floor and pumped a blood-soaked fist in the air. "Nobody thought we could beat them like this, but we proved everyone wrong! Go Hoos Go!" According to security officials, Virginia coach Tony Bennett cut down the arena's basketball nets and then proceeded to shove them down Mike Krzyzewski's throat.

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