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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Exciting New App Allows Users To Be Pawns In 26-Year-Old CEO’s Little Game

SAN FRANCISCO—Having already been downloaded millions of times by consumers eager to get in on the phenomenon, an exciting new app released this week reportedly allows users to become pawns in some 26-year-old tech CEO’s little game. “Yeah, it’s really cool [how I’m being intentionally manipulated by a young Silicon Valley billionaire who considers me nothing more than a lab rat in some little social experiment he cooked up],” said Kansas City resident Harrison Lerner, 36, explaining how he had already introduced the app that has made him a mere plaything of the 2013 college graduate to several of his friends. “It has a lot of awesome features [that record my personal information and behavior patterns and then put this data to use without my knowledge]. I’m seriously using this thing all the time [to the endless delight of the immensely powerful twentysomething whose ultimate designs I will never be made aware of].” At press time, the app was acquired by a large technology conglomerate in a move that will reportedly enable users to be manipulated in a far more elaborate game by a group of even richer individuals.

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