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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Exciting New App Allows Users To Be Pawns In 26-Year-Old CEO’s Little Game

SAN FRANCISCO—Having already been downloaded millions of times by consumers eager to get in on the phenomenon, an exciting new app released this week reportedly allows users to become pawns in some 26-year-old tech CEO’s little game. “Yeah, it’s really cool [how I’m being intentionally manipulated by a young Silicon Valley billionaire who considers me nothing more than a lab rat in some little social experiment he cooked up],” said Kansas City resident Harrison Lerner, 36, explaining how he had already introduced the app that has made him a mere plaything of the 2013 college graduate to several of his friends. “It has a lot of awesome features [that record my personal information and behavior patterns and then put this data to use without my knowledge]. I’m seriously using this thing all the time [to the endless delight of the immensely powerful twentysomething whose ultimate designs I will never be made aware of].” At press time, the app was acquired by a large technology conglomerate in a move that will reportedly enable users to be manipulated in a far more elaborate game by a group of even richer individuals.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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