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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Exciting New App Allows Users To Be Pawns In 26-Year-Old CEO’s Little Game

SAN FRANCISCO—Having already been downloaded millions of times by consumers eager to get in on the phenomenon, an exciting new app released this week reportedly allows users to become pawns in some 26-year-old tech CEO’s little game. “Yeah, it’s really cool [how I’m being intentionally manipulated by a young Silicon Valley billionaire who considers me nothing more than a lab rat in some little social experiment he cooked up],” said Kansas City resident Harrison Lerner, 36, explaining how he had already introduced the app that has made him a mere plaything of the 2013 college graduate to several of his friends. “It has a lot of awesome features [that record my personal information and behavior patterns and then put this data to use without my knowledge]. I’m seriously using this thing all the time [to the endless delight of the immensely powerful twentysomething whose ultimate designs I will never be made aware of].” At press time, the app was acquired by a large technology conglomerate in a move that will reportedly enable users to be manipulated in a far more elaborate game by a group of even richer individuals.

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