Executive Creative Too

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Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.
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Executive Creative Too

Washburn says he is "not just a numbers guy," and has "a lot of creative ideas."
Washburn says he is "not just a numbers guy," and has "a lot of creative ideas."

NEW YORK—Saying he likes to think of himself as “more than just a stuffy businessman in a suit,” Wyatt Media Group CEO Barney Washburn, 57, informed reporters today that he is actually quite creative, too.

According to Washburn, in addition to his numerous responsibilities managing the marketing company’s sales strategies and overall organizational structure, he also happens to be someone who is equally capable of jumping into the more creative parts of the business, and is just as good as anyone else in the company at generating new ideas and thinking outside the box.

“Some of my employees probably think of me as just a guy who sits in a corner office and makes business deals, but I think many of them would be surprised to know I've actually had a good deal of creative experience in my career,” said Washburn, adding that he has always prided himself on being able to understand “more than just the dollars and cents stuff.” “Sure, I spend a good amount of my day tied up in all the number crunching, but believe me, I can brainstorm with the best of them. I’ve got a lot of great, clever ideas.”

“The fact is, you don’t get to where I am without being at least somewhat creatively inclined,” Washburn continued. “It just doesn’t happen.”

While agreeing that there may be some executives out there who are unable to wrap their minds around the more right-brained aspects of a business, Washburn told reporters that he is different because his sensibilities are very refined and even edgy, and that he thinks of himself as “at heart, more of a writer and idea guy than a businessman.”

“On the rare occasion that I’m not swamped with running the company, I’ll pop into a brainstorming session the creative team’s got going on and spitball with the rest of the guys,” Washburn said, noting that he just happens to be the kind of guy that would feel equally comfortable in an art gallery or musical jam session as he does in a boardroom. “Every now and again, I’ll even throw out a few suggested changes to their ideas before they present it to our clients. You know, just fixing problems where I see them. I think they’re usually pretty surprised that I’m able to keep up with them, but I’ve just always been that way, you know?”

“Overall, I’d say it’s a very collaborative process in the room,” added Washburn. “We’re always adding to each other’s ideas to make sure we’re putting out the best product possible.”

The executive went on to say that even when he’s sitting in his own office putting together a budget or analyzing competitor data, his “wheels are always spinning” as he thinks about different directions the company can move in creatively and how to accomplish their future goals.

In fact, Washburn stated that if he was a little bit younger and just getting started in the business today he would maybe consider exclusively going the creative route himself.

“Really, when you think about it, most of what a manager at my level does every day is fairly creatively challenging,” Washburn explained to reporters at length. “Whether I’m dealing with a budget and trying to allocate a limited amount of resources or trying to recognize the current market trends that our company needs to capitalize on, it always takes a good amount of my imagination to discover opportunities for growth. Business is a type of art, after all. And I consider myself an artist, in that sense.”

“In terms of our company, I would say my creative input is more big-picture stuff,” Washburn continued. “I spend most of my time with clients, so I don’t get a chance to see the teams actually put together the writing or visual elements. But I’d say at that point all the hard conceptualizing is already behind us.”

Washburn also mentioned that whenever he’s talking about the company outside of the office, he doesn’t feel afraid to mention that he himself is very much involved in his company’s creative process and will often offer suggestions to other business leaders on how to tap into their more innovative sides.

“People often ask me how our company comes up with such innovative and unique ideas for our clients,” Washburn said. “And I always say the same thing: It’s just about using your imagination and finding new ideas. It really is just that simple.”

At press time, the executive was reportedly shooting off a litany of ideas to his creative staff for accomplishing their monthly goals while dealing with their drastically reduced 2013 budget.