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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Executive, Legislative, Judicial Branches Merge

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to streamline federal affairs and give the government a much-needed shot in the arm, the three federal branches inked an unprecedented $12 trillion merger deal Monday. "No more will the three branches bicker and argue and overrule each other," President Clinton said of the merger, reportedly the largest of its kind since last year's ABC-Disney deal. "This merger should give the federal government tremendous synergy, a kind of 'cross-pollinization' that the framers of the Constitution never envisioned when they developed the now-antiquated system of 'checks and balances' so long ago." In the first major move since the merger's announcement, on Tuesday Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer ordered mandatory military conscription for all adult males in preparation for a September invasion of Iraq.

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