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Executive, Legislative, Judicial Branches Merge

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Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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Executive, Legislative, Judicial Branches Merge

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to streamline federal affairs and give the government a much-needed shot in the arm, the three federal branches inked an unprecedented $12 trillion merger deal Monday. "No more will the three branches bicker and argue and overrule each other," President Clinton said of the merger, reportedly the largest of its kind since last year's ABC-Disney deal. "This merger should give the federal government tremendous synergy, a kind of 'cross-pollinization' that the framers of the Constitution never envisioned when they developed the now-antiquated system of 'checks and balances' so long ago." In the first major move since the merger's announcement, on Tuesday Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer ordered mandatory military conscription for all adult males in preparation for a September invasion of Iraq.

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