adBlockCheck

Exhausted Bill Belichick Attempts To Wake Up By Splashing Some Blood On His Face

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Exhausted Bill Belichick Attempts To Wake Up By Splashing Some Blood On His Face

HINGHAM, MA—After getting out of bed and trudging into his bathroom early Monday morning, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly attempted to wake himself up by splashing some blood on his face. “I’m usually pretty groggy in the morning, so this is a good way to get energized,” said Belichick as he cupped some cold blood in his hands, tossed it onto his face several times in quick succession, and rubbed some blood in his eyes before drying off with a washcloth. “I always feel so much better afterwards—refreshed and ready to start my day. It wakes me up right away, which is great when I don’t have time for my usual hot blood shower in the morning.” Reports later confirmed that after getting dressed and putting on his shoes, Belichick realized he was late for work and quickly filled a travel mug with some steaming hot blood before rushing out the door.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close