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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Exhausted Cyclists Ask For Some Drugs So They Can Finish Tour De France

BLAGNAC-BRIVE-LA-GAILLARDE, FRANCE—During Friday's 222.5-km-long 18th stage of the Tour De France, several dozen exhausted cyclists reportedly asked trainers, cameramen, and random spectators if they had any drugs that could help them finish the race. "I know I can get a massage or some painkillers, but c'mon, let's get serious, you know what I need to finish this thing," Spaniard Alejandro Valverde told a reporter, pleading for "something, anything" that could chemically enhance the human body's ability to handle physical strain. "Andro, EPO, natural or synthetic testosterone, I'll take whatever you've got. This race is hard. Like really, seriously hard. We need drugs." Several cyclists, dejected by the difficulty of immediately acquiring steroids, reportedly said the race was a lot more enjoyable a couple of years ago when everybody had tons of drugs they were willing to share.

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