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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Exhausted Cyclists Ask For Some Drugs So They Can Finish Tour De France

BLAGNAC-BRIVE-LA-GAILLARDE, FRANCE—During Friday's 222.5-km-long 18th stage of the Tour De France, several dozen exhausted cyclists reportedly asked trainers, cameramen, and random spectators if they had any drugs that could help them finish the race. "I know I can get a massage or some painkillers, but c'mon, let's get serious, you know what I need to finish this thing," Spaniard Alejandro Valverde told a reporter, pleading for "something, anything" that could chemically enhance the human body's ability to handle physical strain. "Andro, EPO, natural or synthetic testosterone, I'll take whatever you've got. This race is hard. Like really, seriously hard. We need drugs." Several cyclists, dejected by the difficulty of immediately acquiring steroids, reportedly said the race was a lot more enjoyable a couple of years ago when everybody had tons of drugs they were willing to share.

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