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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Exhausted Cyclists Ask For Some Drugs So They Can Finish Tour De France

BLAGNAC-BRIVE-LA-GAILLARDE, FRANCE—During Friday's 222.5-km-long 18th stage of the Tour De France, several dozen exhausted cyclists reportedly asked trainers, cameramen, and random spectators if they had any drugs that could help them finish the race. "I know I can get a massage or some painkillers, but c'mon, let's get serious, you know what I need to finish this thing," Spaniard Alejandro Valverde told a reporter, pleading for "something, anything" that could chemically enhance the human body's ability to handle physical strain. "Andro, EPO, natural or synthetic testosterone, I'll take whatever you've got. This race is hard. Like really, seriously hard. We need drugs." Several cyclists, dejected by the difficulty of immediately acquiring steroids, reportedly said the race was a lot more enjoyable a couple of years ago when everybody had tons of drugs they were willing to share.

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