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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Exhausted Derek Jeter Sleeps 20 Hours Straight After 2-Home-Run Game

ARLINGTON, TX—Following his 4-for-6, two-home-run performance against the Rangers Sunday, 36-year-old Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter went back to the team hotel and slept for almost the entire day Monday, team sources reported. “By that second home run trot, he looked absolutely exhausted,” said teammate CC Sabathia, adding that Jeter began nodding off on the team bus and fell asleep immediately upon entering his hotel room. “I don’t even think he took off his shoes. He just fell onto the bed and was out like a light.” Added Sabathia, “Taking all those swings and running around all those bases? It was a big day for the old guy.”

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