adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Exhausted Doctor To Wake Up Early, Finish Surgery In Morning

LOS ANGELES—Just moments after successfully stopping his patient's heart at 10:30 p.m. Tuesday, bleary-eyed surgeon Dr. Dennis Kelly called it a night and decided to finish performing quadruple bypass surgery on Harold Cruz, 67, in the morning.

"Honestly, all these organs are looking the same to me right now," said Kelly, calling his mind "complete mush." "I need to take a nice long breather and come back to this with fresh eyes."

Kelly said that he knew it was time to put aside the surgery when he caught himself attempting to re-harvest the exact same femoral vein he had removed 20 minutes earlier.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close