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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Exhausted Florida Resident Returns Home After Weathering Harrowing Week With Family Out Of State

FORT MYERS, FL—Exhausted but unscathed after the ordeal, Florida resident John McVey reportedly returned home Wednesday after weathering a harrowing week with his family out of state. “It was really touch-and-go there for a while, but luckily I got through the interactions with my parents and siblings pretty much intact,” said McVey, adding that the seemingly endless anecdotes from his brother about coworkers he has never met and questions from his mother about his recent break-up had really started to take a toll. “There were nights where, quite honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through. But then, suddenly, just like that, my dad stopped asking me if I was ever going to save any money so I could retire before I was a hundred years old. I’ve never been so thankful in my life.” At press time, McVey told reporters that even though he got out in one piece, he’d definitely evacuate to a shelter next time.

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