adBlockCheck

Sports

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Exhausted Ken Burns Urges Baseball To Stop

WALPOLE, NH—Exhausted and haggard documentarian Ken Burns begged Major League Baseball to cease operations Tuesday, saying that any future games, trades, or league action would warrant further installments of the filmmaker's sprawling, now 23-hour-long documentary Baseball.

Burns' announcement came after PBS's broadcast of Baseball: The Tenth Inning, an update to the series that covers the years 1994 to the present. Addressing reporters, a gaunt and drawn Burns said that exploring the ever-evolving relationship between Americans and their national pastime was slowly killing him.

"I can't do this anymore," Burns said. "The more baseball that is played, the more I have to document. But it's futile. The documentary will never end, because in order for it to end, baseball itself would have to end. I'm always playing catch-up ball. The Tenth Inning, The Eleventh Inning, The 2,945th Inning. Christ, how many more of these things will I have to make?"

"Please—if not for my sake, then for the sake of my wife and children, please stop," Burns continued. "If you don't, I will die knowing that baseball has kept going, and that the thing I'm most famous for will be remembered as an incomplete failure."

According to Burns, as long as baseball is played, he will always feel a perpetual compulsion to film storylines that not only reflect the state of the game but also make a broader point about society itself. The worn-out filmmaker rhetorically asked reporters who, if not Burns himself, would be the one to spend countless hours documenting the historic significance of a second dead-ball era, or a Chicago Cubs World Series title.

"Say, for example, baseball doesn't stop, the 2011 season begins, and by the All-Star break fans start saying things like, 'During the Great Recession, baseball served as a national escape from dire economic times,'" Burns continued. "That's another goddamn inning right there. Sure, it's only two hours to you, but to me it's 20-hour days for the next two years of my life."

Burns told reporters he spends sleepless night after sleepless night worrying that more postseasons could potentially lead to the Philadelphia Phillies becoming the modern era's version of a dynasty, a theme he would have to tirelessly explore if he ever wanted to truly document the history of the sport. Moreover, Burns said that if the Yankees ceased to exist, viewers wouldn't expect a future segment devoted to Yogi Berra's eventual passing that draws parallels between both the death of a bygone era in baseball history and the death of a more innocent time in U.S. history.

Burns added he also wouldn't mind if he never had to talk to Bob Costas or Billy Crystal ever again.

"I guess I really backed myself into a corner with this whole Baseball thing," Burns said. "The Civil War, Huey Long, Lewis and Clark—none of these topics were open-ended. But baseball. Jesus Christ, what was I thinking?"

According to Burns, when he reunited with coproducer Lynn Novick for The Tenth Inning, the mere sight of Novick, coupled with the mountains of footage they had to sort through, instantly fatigued him to the point of collapse. Burns said he was less able than ever before to stay awake during his interviews with journalist George Will, and at one point "barked" at historian Doris Kearns Goodwin to wrap it up.

Editors who worked with the filmmaker said they noticed a more drained and indifferent Burns this time around, explaining that the documentarian would enter their editing bay, look at the footage, tell them to "Ken Burns it up," and then leave.

Sources later confirmed that Burns was repeatedly overheard muttering, "Might as well just dedicate my whole fucking life to this shit."

"Truth be told, I don't even like baseball. It's boring, predictable, and tedious," said the 57-year-old, adding that the only time he has ever felt as though his life were a complete waste was when he sat across from his interview subjects as they sang "Take Me Out To The Ball Game." "I've only been to one baseball game, and I left after the fifth inning. I didn't even care that I missed Carlton Fisk's home run."

"All I know is that baseball is an important part of the American experience," he continued, "a stupid, overwrought, and saccharine part, but an important part nevertheless. And that's the only reason I ever wanted to cover it in the first place. But know this: Every second I've spent on this thing has been sheer torture. I am begging the commissioner, fans, and players to let baseball die."

When asked for comment, Commissioner Bud Selig said this baseball season, as well as all subsequent seasons, would go on as scheduled.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close