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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Exhausted Studio Has Done All It Can In Terms Of Building Excitement For 'The Lincoln Lawyer'

LOS ANGELES—"Profoundly fatigued" executives at Lionsgate Films announced Thursday that they are completely out of ideas in terms of how to promote the Matthew McConaughey legal thriller The Lincoln Lawyer, saying they have been working around the clock for the past two months trying to build enthusiasm for the film. "Between fighting to get William H. Macy on Kimmel, booking a CNN.com live chat with Marisa Tomei, and making sure every highway billboard, bus stop, and building has a poster of Mathew McConaughey sitting on the hood of that goddamn Lincoln, we've simply reached a point where people are either going to see The Lincoln Lawyer or they're not," said Lionsgate executive vice president David Spitz, who hasn't seen his wife in nearly three weeks and "cannot spend one more minute" trying to create buzz on Internet message boards. "We even put the line 'Don't miss Matthew McConaughey's first trip back to the courtroom since A Time To Kill' in the trailer. Maybe that will fill a few seats. Who the hell knows? It's in God's hands now." Summoning one final ounce of strength, Spitz added that The Lincoln Lawyer, starring Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Phillippe, opens in theaters nationwide tomorrow.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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