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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Exhausted Studio Has Done All It Can In Terms Of Building Excitement For 'The Lincoln Lawyer'

LOS ANGELES—"Profoundly fatigued" executives at Lionsgate Films announced Thursday that they are completely out of ideas in terms of how to promote the Matthew McConaughey legal thriller The Lincoln Lawyer, saying they have been working around the clock for the past two months trying to build enthusiasm for the film. "Between fighting to get William H. Macy on Kimmel, booking a CNN.com live chat with Marisa Tomei, and making sure every highway billboard, bus stop, and building has a poster of Mathew McConaughey sitting on the hood of that goddamn Lincoln, we've simply reached a point where people are either going to see The Lincoln Lawyer or they're not," said Lionsgate executive vice president David Spitz, who hasn't seen his wife in nearly three weeks and "cannot spend one more minute" trying to create buzz on Internet message boards. "We even put the line 'Don't miss Matthew McConaughey's first trip back to the courtroom since A Time To Kill' in the trailer. Maybe that will fill a few seats. Who the hell knows? It's in God's hands now." Summoning one final ounce of strength, Spitz added that The Lincoln Lawyer, starring Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Phillippe, opens in theaters nationwide tomorrow.

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