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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together

PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA—After working her third straight 17-hour shift, garment worker Nghiem Phuong said Monday she "couldn't help but laugh" after sewing her index and ring fingers together. "Well, I guess it's just one of those days," said a chuckling Nghiem, who told reporters she had accidentally run her hand through the industrial sewing machine "like a complete dunderhead" while working on a Seattle Seahawks crewneck sweatshirt. "Luckily, my health insurance will cover it—nah, I'm just joshing." Nghiem added that she had not laughed so hard at herself since she was 13 and an angry sex trafficker threw her down a flight of stairs for getting pregnant.

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