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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together

PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA—After working her third straight 17-hour shift, garment worker Nghiem Phuong said Monday she "couldn't help but laugh" after sewing her index and ring fingers together. "Well, I guess it's just one of those days," said a chuckling Nghiem, who told reporters she had accidentally run her hand through the industrial sewing machine "like a complete dunderhead" while working on a Seattle Seahawks crewneck sweatshirt. "Luckily, my health insurance will cover it—nah, I'm just joshing." Nghiem added that she had not laughed so hard at herself since she was 13 and an angry sex trafficker threw her down a flight of stairs for getting pregnant.

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