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Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together

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Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together

PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA—After working her third straight 17-hour shift, garment worker Nghiem Phuong said Monday she "couldn't help but laugh" after sewing her index and ring fingers together. "Well, I guess it's just one of those days," said a chuckling Nghiem, who told reporters she had accidentally run her hand through the industrial sewing machine "like a complete dunderhead" while working on a Seattle Seahawks crewneck sweatshirt. "Luckily, my health insurance will cover it—nah, I'm just joshing." Nghiem added that she had not laughed so hard at herself since she was 13 and an angry sex trafficker threw her down a flight of stairs for getting pregnant.

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