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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together

PHNOM PENH, CAMBODIA—After working her third straight 17-hour shift, garment worker Nghiem Phuong said Monday she "couldn't help but laugh" after sewing her index and ring fingers together. "Well, I guess it's just one of those days," said a chuckling Nghiem, who told reporters she had accidentally run her hand through the industrial sewing machine "like a complete dunderhead" while working on a Seattle Seahawks crewneck sweatshirt. "Luckily, my health insurance will cover it—nah, I'm just joshing." Nghiem added that she had not laughed so hard at herself since she was 13 and an angry sex trafficker threw her down a flight of stairs for getting pregnant.

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