adBlockCheck

Workplace

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Working From Home Vs. Working In An Office

While the digital age allows for the freedom to work from home, many people find the communal environment of an office more productive. The Onion provides a side-by-side comparison of the two options.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God

VATICAN CITY—Saying he’s appeared uneasy and distracted while delivering masses in recent days, Vatican insiders reported Wednesday that His Holiness Pope Francis is “getting pretty anxious” about his upcoming annual performance re...

Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actu...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly w...

Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting

LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday.

Employer Totally Botches Job Interview

EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee.

Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that the topic has been brought up at dinner several times this week, household sources confirmed Tuesday that local father Adam Pitzer works with a guy whose son plays Triple-A baseball.

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
End Of Section
  • More News

Workplace

Exhausted Video Editor Can't Tell If Blooper Reel Is Funny Anymore

LOS ANGELES—Video editor Scott Lessner, after working all weekend to meet a deadline for the upcoming Spike TV special, Wait, Did I Just See That?!? World's Zaniest Bloopers And Other Outrageous $%#!! Caught On Tape, reported Monday that he had all but lost his "usually rock-solid" ability to judge the comic merits of various on-camera glitches, blunders, and practical jokes.

Lessner struggles to cull the best footage from a wealth of "Grade-A" bloopers.

"I'm a pro—I should be able to do this," said a visibly weary Lessner, 46, who in the past has proven his video-blooper editing chops on America's Funniest Home Videos and TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes.

"Is the KCBS newscaster farting on-air funnier than the Taiwanese interviewer doing the same thing?" said Lessner, jogging back and forth between the footage on his computer. "The KCBS woman's fart has great timbre and texture, so that's a plus. But then the other one's got the funny foreign language and he's obviously deeply embarrassed. They're both money in the bank. I just can't think objectively."

Lessner, who said he started the weekend session laughing at the abundance of "blooper gold," soon lost all perspective when faced with the task of condensing the more than 86 hours of footage—most of which was "almost indistinguishably hilarious"—into a single 26-minute special by his strict Sunday deadline.

"I knew I was starting to lose my edge when that puppy peeing on the talk-show host failed to make me laugh," said the sleep-deprived Lessner. "That's network-caliber funny."

A tape of over 60 weather-segment gaffes caused the veteran editor particular consternation.

"How do you choose?" Lessner said. "You got the guy falling over in a hurricane, sure, but then you got the wacky rapping weatherman, or the reporter getting blasted by a snowblower, then there's the wrong bluescreen coming up behind the Oklahoma meteorologist—plus 50 some-odd others that are equally as good. Or at least seem to be. I can't even fucking see straight."

Lessner's traditionally dead-on sound-effect sensibilities also came into question when he struggled between the tweet-tweet and the classic "ah-ooo-gah" sound effects for a shot of a man hitting himself in the head with his own bowling ball.

One of more than 150 local-news-related blunders, flubs, and gaffes Lessner had to work with.

"I never noticed before, but if you play the 'boing' sound effect over and over, it starts to lose all meaning," Lessner said.

At approximately 3 a.m. Sunday morning, the increasingly stress-addled Lessner combined footage of a 1991 elephant attack on a young girl at a zoo in Tacoma, WA with the novelty hit "Baby Elephant Walk," but quickly discarded it when he realized that the gory footage was inappropriate for comedic purposes.

As the weekend drew to a close, Lessner's impending deadline began to try his usually cool demeanor.

"When somebody screws up on camera this bad, they should be fired," said Lessner, gesturing angrily at a botched local-news cooking segment. "I mean, my God, that entire table fell over. Why would you lean on it? You're supposed to be a professional. And what do they do? They laugh. Disgraceful."

By weekend's end, Lessner said that he had cobbled together a serviceable rough cut, but still had deep reservations about whether he had created the most inspired and well-paced blooper reel possible.

"This is the sort of thing you really need to walk away from for a while and come back to with fresh eyes," Lessner said. "But the blooper business is about getting the laughs out to the public in a hurry."

Lessner stopped suddenly and raised his hand to his head. "The shot of that woman's wedding dress falling down would have been the perfect place to use a slide whistle."

Workplace

More from this section

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close