adBlockCheck

Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington

Top Headlines

Politics

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington

WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly three decades in exile, King William IV returned to the U.S. to reclaim his throne Monday.

King William IV greets his subjects upon his return to Washington.

"Good people of America," said the newly restored monarch, speaking from a White House balcony. "Let the word be spread throughout the land that your king has returned."

"Prepare a feast!" added His Majesty amid a fanfare of trumpets.

Citizens were overjoyed by the monarchic restoration.

"Huzzah!" said Diane Sowell of State College, PA. "At long last, we are rid of that corrupt, antiquated system of government known as democracy, a system that has done nothing but maintain the status quo of political inequality, economic stagnation, and social injustice. Our good king will change all that."

Overthrown in 1973 by democratic extremists, King William fled to the Mediterranean island of Malta, where he had lived for the past 29 years. Throughout his time in exile, the king closely monitored the political climate in America, waiting for the right moment to return. When word of the Sept. 11 attacks reached him, he decided he could wait no longer. Assembling a small traveling party, he set sail across the Atlantic to reclaim his throne.

On Aug. 20, following a months-long, detour-filled odyssey over land and sea, the king and his traveling companions arrived at Annapolis, MD, where he revealed his true identity to a naval detachment and persuaded it to accompany him to Washington. As the royal entourage neared the capital, word spread that the long-deposed monarch was on his way back. By the time William reached the D.C. city limits Monday, an estimated 400,000 elated supporters had amassed along the banks of the Potomac River to show their support for the bloodless coup.

"My devoted subjects, the time has come to right a great wrong so many years old," the sovereign told the cheering crowd. "Scores remain to be settled and, in time, all will receive their due. But for now, let the word go forth that your king is come."

Marching up the National Mall flanked by a 2,500-unit regiment of loyalist troops, King William entered the National Archives, where he smashed a display case with his wooden staff and retook the crown, scepter, and red-white-and-blue ermine robes of his office.

The king then stormed into the Capitol building, the former site of the Royal Aviary, and announced his return, formally dissolving Congress by royal decree. He ordered all legislators to return to their homes, with the exception of Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC), whom the king locked in the royal dungeon for his role in the 1973 ouster.

According to a spokesman for King William, the 50 state governors will be permitted to retain their posts under the revised title of Lord until further notice from the Crown. President Bush will also be allowed to retain his title, though he will function in a figurehead capacity with no real power.

Buoyed by the news of the restored constitutional monarchy, the Dow Jones soared past 14,000 Monday. Minutes after the closing bell, however, the resurrected Ministry of Finance closed down the stock market, announcing that the generosity of the Royal Treasury will provide for all.

Beltway pundits see the restoration as a welcome development.

"Under democracy, millions of needy Americans slipped through the cracks," McLaughlin Group commentator Eleanor Clift said. "King William will, by God's grace, see all monies fairly distributed, and the truly deserving will be helped."

Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC's Hardball, applauded the king's return but questioned some of his policies. "As much as I support welfare reform," Matthews said, "replacing it with a nationwide network of debtor's prisons, as His Majesty plans, strikes me as a little extreme. Still, it can't be much worse than what we've had."

"Our nation is whole once more," said King William, speaking from his horse-drawn carriage during a procession down Pennsylvania Avenue. "God save the king of these good United States of America."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close