Exit Interview Goes Well

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Vol 36 Issue 31

Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.

MEMPHIS, TN–At 8:56 a.m. Monday, Len Blake consumed his 2,401st calorie of the day, surpassing his recommended daily caloric intake of 2,400 a full 14 hours before bedtime. "At 8:20 a.m., Len had a Meat Lover's Skillet at the Waffle House, providing him with an estimated 2,150 calories," dietitian Dr. Dan Yary said. "Thirty minutes later, en route to work, he picked up an 800-calorie Cinnabon roll, three bites into which he passed the 2,400 mark." Blake also ate one of the recommended five daily servings of vegetables in the form of onions in his hash browns.

New Orleans Adopts $10 Cover Charge

NEW ORLEANS–New Orleans announced plans Monday to impose a $10 cover charge on all nonresidents seeking to enter the city. "For $10, visitors will receive unlimited access to all bars and nightclubs, three drink tickets, and a free 'Certified Muff Diver' T-shirt," said Mayor Marc Morial, flanked by a pair of the city's bouncers. "Those who want to leave the city and return before 2 a.m. can get their hand stamped for readmission." Women who flash their breasts will be admitted at the reduced rate of $8.

God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested

LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. "Players and employees of the Vikings organization," God announced from Heaven, "I have heard the pleas of Lester Ruddick in the final moments of a devastating 30-27 Bears loss to the Vikings, and My wrath shall burn forever against you. No supplication, no contrition can help you now. Every last one of you, from All-Pro wideout Randy Moss all the way down to third-string left guard Chris Liwienski, shall be damned to an eternity of pain and suffering."

Jury Finds Defendant Pretty

FREMONT, CA–Meredith Kent, a 26-year-old Fremont woman charged with four counts of bribery and embezzlement, was found pretty by a jury of her peers Monday. "She has an absolutely lovely face–it took no time at all for us to reach a consensus about that," jury foreman Richard Bloch, 58, said. "And her neck is amazingly long and graceful like a swan's." Kent was longingly cross-examined for nearly an hour before the verdict of pretty was announced.

Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself

I love the short yellow school bus! Riding the bus is fun! I ride the bus to school every day, but I also ride the bus to other places, too. When I go on trips with Miss Lang and everybody in the special-needs class, we all get on the bus and go to the zoo or the planetarium. One time, we ate pizza at Pizza Hut, and we took the bus then, too. And you know what? Someday, I'm going to drive the bus myself!

Western Wildfires

Wildfires are sweeping across the Western U.S., with nearly 1.5 million acres in Montana and Idaho engulfed in flames. What is the government doing to combat the problem?

Advertising Executive Gets In Touch With Inner-Child Demographic

BOSTON–Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius McLain got in touch with his own inner-child demographic–a purchasing sector he had all but forgotten since the onset of adolescence. "I asked myself, what would make a kid want to buy Color Magic Cheez-bows?" said McLain, 44, after the emotional breakthrough. "Only after looking within myself and rediscovering the 8- to 12-year-old male buried deep inside did I hit upon the ideal angle." McLain next plans to get in touch with his feminine-urban-professional side to develop a campaign for No Nonsense pantyhose.

The Firestone Tire Recall

Last month, Firestone announced a recall of 6.5 million tires following reports of 46 deaths related to blowouts of tires on Ford sport-utility vehicles. The death toll has since risen to 88. What do you think?
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Exit Interview Goes Well

DEARBORN, MI–Laid off Monday from his billing-manager position at Automatic Data Processing, Howard Pfaff reported that his exit interview with human-resources associate Lorraine Bochy "went pretty well."

Recently laid-off Howard Pfaff discusses his experience working for Automatic Data Processing with a human-resources associate.

"After getting the pink slip, I wasn't exactly looking forward to doing my exit interview," said Pfaff, 39, who had worked in ADP's billing-services department for 11 years before budget cuts eliminated his position. "But it actually wasn't that bad. Lorraine asked me all sorts of questions about my overall job satisfaction during my years with ADP and if there was anything I'd do different if I were the boss. I was afraid maybe she was going to criticize me, but all in all, it was pretty cordial."

Continued Pfaff: "Lorraine explained that exit interviews are an extremely valuable way for the company to determine what changes need to be made to improve the work environment for future employees. That made pretty good sense to me."

Also encouraging to the newly unemployed Pfaff was Bochy's "great regret" that the company had to let him go.

"She said it had nothing to do with my job performance, which, according to my file, rated either 'fair' or 'good' for every quarter since I was hired," said Pfaff, who had never met Bochy prior to the interview. "So that made me feel a little better, I guess."

Bochy informed Pfaff that the typed list of questions she held was "merely a launching point" and that the two could talk about whatever he wanted.

"I told Lorraine a few things but, to be honest, I didn't want to be too critical," Pfaff said. "Sure, there were a lot of things about working at ADP that I hadn't been too thrilled about, like the lack of inter-departmental communication and the frequent overtime, but I didn't really know if I should go into it. Especially since I'm still sort of hoping that maybe the budget cuts will be lifted and I'll get rehired."

According to Pfaff, the highlight of the exit interview was seeing his permanent employee file for the first time.

"That was kind of neat, to be able to see what's been in my secret file all these years," Pfaff said. "They had all this weird stuff in there, like a copy of my medical records. And a picture of me at a 1991 company picnic that must have been clipped out of the monthly newsletter. When I saw that, I was like, 'Huh.'"

Pfaff said he was even more interested in what wasn't in the file.

"I was afraid there was going to be some kind of mention of that one week last year when I got in late four days in a row because my car was at the mechanic," he said. "I remember that, at the time, I was really worried I'd get in trouble for that, but I couldn't find a single mention of it."

Pfaff said the file was not necessarily an accurate representation of his job performance, asserting that the best things he had done during his years with Automatic Data Processing were not included.

"There was a hand-written complaint in there saying that I'd been disturbing coworkers by playing my radio in my cubicle. That came as a total surprise to me, because no one ever once asked me to turn it down," Pfaff said. "As for my steady productivity over the years, there really wasn't any mention. I'd always assumed they kept track of how many accounts each one of us billing managers handled each month. I guess they don't."

In the final minutes of the interview, Bochy informed Pfaff that he could count on a good reference from the company, a subject Pfaff had been nervously anticipating.

"Lorraine said, 'I don't see any reason why you would receive a negative reference from anyone here at Automatic Data Processing. Unless, of course, there's something I don't know,'" Pfaff said. "I'm pretty sure that second part was meant to be a joke."

As Pfaff exited the ADP human-resources office, a smiling Bochy shook his hand and said, "Good luck, Howard."

"I guess there was nothing to be nervous about," Pfaff said. "Lorraine was really nice. She even said she hopes that someday in the future, we can work together again."

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