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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Expansive Obama State Of The Union Speech To Touch On Patent Law, Entomology, The Films Of Robert Altman

WASHINGTON—In the hours leading up to President Obama’s State of the Union speech tonight, White House aides informed reporters that the president would most likely touch on a diverse and expansive array of topics, including U.S. patent law, the problem of relativism in contemporary epistemological discourse, and the works of American film director Robert Altman. “This is a crucial speech for the president, and that is exactly why he will use this as an opportunity to thoroughly address Edward Said’s theory of Orientalism while also discussing the often complex taxonomic specialization involved with various subspecies of moths and butterflies,” said White House aide Louis Fererra, who went on to add that Obama has also developed an in-depth PowerPoint slideshow to discuss motifs of modern alienation in the 1993 film Short Cuts and the advances in algorithmic complexity in computer programming. “While we know that some may disagree on the President’s views on franchising trends, Latina rites of passage, the pickling and preservation of foraged vegetables, taxes, and the Adventures of Tintin book series, we believe now is the time for our nation to begin seriously discussing these subjects.” At press time, representatives for Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) had announced the Republican response to the speech would include strongly divergent opinions on Chinese calligraphy, aquatic mammals, and the use of noise reduction filters for audio editing.

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