adBlockCheck

Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Expansive Obama State Of The Union Speech To Touch On Patent Law, Entomology, The Films Of Robert Altman

WASHINGTON—In the hours leading up to President Obama’s State of the Union speech tonight, White House aides informed reporters that the president would most likely touch on a diverse and expansive array of topics, including U.S. patent law, the problem of relativism in contemporary epistemological discourse, and the works of American film director Robert Altman. “This is a crucial speech for the president, and that is exactly why he will use this as an opportunity to thoroughly address Edward Said’s theory of Orientalism while also discussing the often complex taxonomic specialization involved with various subspecies of moths and butterflies,” said White House aide Louis Fererra, who went on to add that Obama has also developed an in-depth PowerPoint slideshow to discuss motifs of modern alienation in the 1993 film Short Cuts and the advances in algorithmic complexity in computer programming. “While we know that some may disagree on the President’s views on franchising trends, Latina rites of passage, the pickling and preservation of foraged vegetables, taxes, and the Adventures of Tintin book series, we believe now is the time for our nation to begin seriously discussing these subjects.” At press time, representatives for Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) had announced the Republican response to the speech would include strongly divergent opinions on Chinese calligraphy, aquatic mammals, and the use of noise reduction filters for audio editing.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close