adBlockCheck

'Expect Delays' Signs Placed Randomly Throughout Nation

Top Headlines

Recent News

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'Expect Delays' Signs Placed Randomly Throughout Nation

WASHINGTON, DC—Expanding upon the already omnipresent signage at airports and on highways, the government has posted more than 150 million "Expect Delays" signs at random locations across the U.S. "I went to Safeway to buy some groceries, and there's a big sign warning me to expect delays in the pasta aisle," Dori Reilly of Inkster, MI, said Monday. "When I got home, there was a big sign on my fridge. I had to wait almost an hour before I could put away the milk."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close