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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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‘Expendables 3’ Cast Requests To Be Paid In Steroids, Meat

HOLLYWOOD—As pre-production continues on the third installment of the action franchise, sources confirmed Monday that the cast of Expendables 3 has asked to be paid solely in steroids and slabs of raw meat. “Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the rest of the actors have all requested a minimum of 120 testosterone injections and eight full racks of bloody bison ribs per day of filming,” said executive producer Robert Earl, adding that, should their demands be met, the cast will make 3,150,000 pounds of anabolic steroids, HGH, and ground chuck for appearing in the movie. “And if the film does well, they could earn a good amount of raw lamb, T-bone steaks, and full, uncooked pigs on the back end.” After an earlier contract dispute, Dolph Lundgren has signed on to reprise his role as Gunnar Jensen, with his representatives saying that the studio has agreed to compensate the actor by giving him 15 living cows that Lundgren plans to eat from the inside out.

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