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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Experts Find Having Fun Not Necessarily A Key To Victory

NEW YORK—Despite repeated entreaties from coaches that players just go out there and have fun, recent research and analysis of basketball, baseball, football, hockey, and soccer undertaken by the Elias Sports Bureau has proven that having fun will not lead to winning. "As it turns out, skill, talent, team depth, execution, and luck are the most important factors of winning," said Elias statistician Adam Conover. "Most of the time, athletes are concentrating remarkably hard and are making an all-out physical effort to outdo their opponent, which leaves little or no opportunity to experience joy, feel a love of the game, and least of all, have fun." To prove his theory, Conover explained that World Series winner Roger Clemens, Stanley Cup champion Mark Messier, and Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning had obviously not enjoyed their experiences one bit.

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