WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
NEW YORK—Despite repeated entreaties from coaches that players just go out there and have fun, recent research and analysis of basketball, baseball, football, hockey, and soccer undertaken by the Elias Sports Bureau has proven that having fun will not lead to winning. "As it turns out, skill, talent, team depth, execution, and luck are the most important factors of winning," said Elias statistician Adam Conover. "Most of the time, athletes are concentrating remarkably hard and are making an all-out physical effort to outdo their opponent, which leaves little or no opportunity to experience joy, feel a love of the game, and least of all, have fun." To prove his theory, Conover explained that World Series winner Roger Clemens, Stanley Cup champion Mark Messier, and Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning had obviously not enjoyed their experiences one bit.