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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Experts Predict No NL Team Will Go Deep Into Playoffs

BRISTOL, CT—Even though the National League somehow managed to send four teams into the 2006 MLB postseason, baseball experts said Monday that it is "unlikely" that any of them will advance past the second round of the playoffs. "The Mets, Dodgers, Padres, and Cardinals have serious pitching issues, almost zero offense, and have played terribly down the stretch," ESPN analyst Buster Olney said. "However, they each luckily drew a first-round opponent that is similarly ill-fitted for postseason play, so we may see one or two emerge from the first round. But as for the World Series—not a chance." Experts went on to predict that it will "probably be another Yankees–Red Sox World Series this year."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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