Experts Predict On-Line World Of 21st Century To Feature More Breasts

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Vol 30 Issue 19

Area Bastards Pick Wrong Guy To Mess With This Time

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to Tallahassee resident Bud Courson, local bastards Dewey Bostock and Dewayne Buckner picked the wrong guy to mess with this time. "They picked the wrong guy to mess with when they started messing with me," Courson said of the messing, which local officials believe to be the biggest mistake of the bastards' lives. Courson's future plans for the bastards include doing a serious number on their asses and whaling on them.

Mental Hospital Fire Leaves Hundreds Of Demons Homeless

QUEENS, NY—Hundreds of demons were left hovering bodiless over New York's Creedmore Mental Hospital Sunday, as a fire consumed the facility, killing all 355 of its patients and much of its staff. Firefighters and emergency medical technicians struggled to reunite the demons with the bodies they had possessed, but no survivors could be found. Though area shelters say they may not have room for all the demons, most of the displaced remain optimistic. "I'm not too worried," said one demon as it huddled near a firetruck, wrapped in a blanket and sipping a cup of hot cocoa provided by Red Cross volunteers. "I'm sure pretty soon I'll find a suitable host human who will succumb to my temptations and give his body up to me."

Vatican Condemns Wack MCs

VATICAN CITY—In conjunction with the release of his latest album, MixMaster FunkBlaster Pope-a-Fied To The T.O.P., His Holiness Pope John Paul II issued an official church condemnation of all Wack MCs Tuesday. The Pope singled out Snoop Doggy Dogg, Notorious B.I.G. and Too $hort, saying, "These rappers do not have the best rhymes. They are wack. They are not from the old school." The decree condemned MCs who "lack the concentration to create the rhymifications that stimulate the mind and make the funk rise in your soul." The Pope recommended passages from Ezekiel as having the most "righteous" rhymes. The decree was ratified by the Vatican Council Tuesday as an official Catholic Decree. It also reached number four on the R&B charts.

Clinton Appoints Very Special Cabinet Member

WASHINGTON, DC—In the first-ever appointment of its kind, President Clinton named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Bethesda, MD, boy who has Down Syndrome, the U.S. Very Special Secretary of Defense Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh and is always smiling," Clinton said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I'm a special boy!" then mistakenly signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Clinton quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he will be trying very hard. And that's what's important."

The Onion's 1996 Man Of The Year

Ever since Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel was first awarded the honor in 1921, The Onion's Man Of The Year has ranked among the most prestigious and time-honored traditions in journalism. Though there are many who make and shape our world, only one can be chosen The Onion's Man Of The Year.

There Shall Be No Christmas This Year!

The other day, my manservant Standish and my nurse were wheeling in the multitudes of penny postcards and other handwritten wishes of good tidings that flood into my estate at this time of year. I insist on being read each and every one, so that I may duly reward each well-wisher with a sackful of sugar beets from the Zweibel ancestral home in Prussia.

I Gotta Write A Holiday Column

Hola amigos. What's goin' on? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had some problems. First and foremost, I had to get a new car after the pistons fused in my old one. Piece of crap! Fortunately, though, I was able to get around $150 in parts for it. Add to that the $175 I had saved up for my dream Mustang, and I was able to spend a whole $325 on a new car.
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Experts Predict On-Line World Of 21st Century To Feature More Breasts

PALO ALTO, CA—Government officials, computer scientists and leading information-technology figures from around the globe met at the annual International CyberTechnology Summit at Stanford University this past weekend to discuss the future of the Internet. And that future, they say, will be graced with an ever-increasing quantity of naked breasts.

Despite differing on many Internet issues, all attendees were united in one basic belief: The Internet is a revolution in communications that will radically alter the way we access and view breasts in the 21st century. "The company that controls computerized pictures of naked breasts," said Marc Andreessen, Netscape senior vice-president of technology, "is the company that will control the next century."

Netscape, whose Navigator is currently the world's most popular breast-server program, is in a position to be that company. But Microsoft, with its recent $5.1 billion purchase of the Hustler Archives, is mounting a strong challenge.

With its recent acquisition of the <I>Hustler </I>Archives, Microsoft is in a position to become the world's leading breast-server well into the 21st century.

"The Hustler Archives, with their high-resolution pictures of over 50 million pairs of breasts, is the largest catalog of digitized mammaries in existence," said Nicholas Negroponte, head of the famed MIT Breast Lab. "In the future, anyone who wants to see breasts—assuming, of course, they do not have access to real, live ones—may have to go through Bill Gates."

Added Negroponte: "Every single person in the world uses computers."

In attendance at the conference was Vice President Al Gore, who in his keynote speech said he someday foresees "a single, unified global computing community, in which men from as far off as New Zealand and Germany will be able to log onto their computers and masturbate silently in the dark to the same pair of breasts."

"This," Gore stressed, "is the exciting promise of the Information Age."

To compete with Microsoft, Netscape is currently developing BreastLink 8000, a state-of-the-art, fiber-optic downlink device which will one day meld the television, telephone and computer into a single breast-viewing device.

"BreastLink 8000 will be the center of every family home someday," Netscape CEO James Barksdale said. "It will make 72 dpi images of breasts obsolete, replacing them with supra-real photos and quick-time movies. Waiting several seconds for breast pictures to download on our clunky computers of today is simply barbaric."

Negroponte agreed with Barksdale: "Revolutionary. Computers. Internet. Future."

Educators present at the conference stressed the importance of keeping America's children on top of all the latest breast-viewing technology.

"Breasts will be a vital educational tool in the years to come," said Chicago-area elementary school teacher Pat Ross. "We must be careful that we don't fall so far behind that there becomes a 'breast gap' between children of the U.S. and those of other nations."

While the ripe, juicy, heaving bosoms of nubile females was the main focus of the technology summit, many in attendance promised a future bright with wonders beyond breasts.

"A cornucopia of bare, wet rumps; hot and horny lesbian action; and naked nympho sluts in various stages of auto-erotica await the computer user of the future," said Wired editor Phil Henson. "The flesh-sampling possibilities are virtually limitless. It's very exciting."

"What an extraordinary time to be a child," said Walter Lowery, of Phillips Magnavox's new BreastTV.

On-line breast viewing, or "the Internet," is currently a $20 billion a year enterprise.

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