adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Experts Predict On-Line World Of 21st Century To Feature More Breasts

PALO ALTO, CA—Government officials, computer scientists and leading information-technology figures from around the globe met at the annual International CyberTechnology Summit at Stanford University this past weekend to discuss the future of the Internet. And that future, they say, will be graced with an ever-increasing quantity of naked breasts.

Despite differing on many Internet issues, all attendees were united in one basic belief: The Internet is a revolution in communications that will radically alter the way we access and view breasts in the 21st century. "The company that controls computerized pictures of naked breasts," said Marc Andreessen, Netscape senior vice-president of technology, "is the company that will control the next century."

Netscape, whose Navigator is currently the world's most popular breast-server program, is in a position to be that company. But Microsoft, with its recent $5.1 billion purchase of the Hustler Archives, is mounting a strong challenge.

With its recent acquisition of the <I>Hustler </I>Archives, Microsoft is in a position to become the world's leading breast-server well into the 21st century.

"The Hustler Archives, with their high-resolution pictures of over 50 million pairs of breasts, is the largest catalog of digitized mammaries in existence," said Nicholas Negroponte, head of the famed MIT Breast Lab. "In the future, anyone who wants to see breasts—assuming, of course, they do not have access to real, live ones—may have to go through Bill Gates."

Added Negroponte: "Every single person in the world uses computers."

In attendance at the conference was Vice President Al Gore, who in his keynote speech said he someday foresees "a single, unified global computing community, in which men from as far off as New Zealand and Germany will be able to log onto their computers and masturbate silently in the dark to the same pair of breasts."

"This," Gore stressed, "is the exciting promise of the Information Age."

To compete with Microsoft, Netscape is currently developing BreastLink 8000, a state-of-the-art, fiber-optic downlink device which will one day meld the television, telephone and computer into a single breast-viewing device.

"BreastLink 8000 will be the center of every family home someday," Netscape CEO James Barksdale said. "It will make 72 dpi images of breasts obsolete, replacing them with supra-real photos and quick-time movies. Waiting several seconds for breast pictures to download on our clunky computers of today is simply barbaric."

Negroponte agreed with Barksdale: "Revolutionary. Computers. Internet. Future."

Educators present at the conference stressed the importance of keeping America's children on top of all the latest breast-viewing technology.

"Breasts will be a vital educational tool in the years to come," said Chicago-area elementary school teacher Pat Ross. "We must be careful that we don't fall so far behind that there becomes a 'breast gap' between children of the U.S. and those of other nations."

While the ripe, juicy, heaving bosoms of nubile females was the main focus of the technology summit, many in attendance promised a future bright with wonders beyond breasts.

"A cornucopia of bare, wet rumps; hot and horny lesbian action; and naked nympho sluts in various stages of auto-erotica await the computer user of the future," said Wired editor Phil Henson. "The flesh-sampling possibilities are virtually limitless. It's very exciting."

"What an extraordinary time to be a child," said Walter Lowery, of Phillips Magnavox's new BreastTV.

On-line breast viewing, or "the Internet," is currently a $20 billion a year enterprise.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close