adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Experts Predict On-Line World Of 21st Century To Feature More Breasts

PALO ALTO, CA—Government officials, computer scientists and leading information-technology figures from around the globe met at the annual International CyberTechnology Summit at Stanford University this past weekend to discuss the future of the Internet. And that future, they say, will be graced with an ever-increasing quantity of naked breasts.

Despite differing on many Internet issues, all attendees were united in one basic belief: The Internet is a revolution in communications that will radically alter the way we access and view breasts in the 21st century. "The company that controls computerized pictures of naked breasts," said Marc Andreessen, Netscape senior vice-president of technology, "is the company that will control the next century."

Netscape, whose Navigator is currently the world's most popular breast-server program, is in a position to be that company. But Microsoft, with its recent $5.1 billion purchase of the Hustler Archives, is mounting a strong challenge.

With its recent acquisition of the <I>Hustler </I>Archives, Microsoft is in a position to become the world's leading breast-server well into the 21st century.

"The Hustler Archives, with their high-resolution pictures of over 50 million pairs of breasts, is the largest catalog of digitized mammaries in existence," said Nicholas Negroponte, head of the famed MIT Breast Lab. "In the future, anyone who wants to see breasts—assuming, of course, they do not have access to real, live ones—may have to go through Bill Gates."

Added Negroponte: "Every single person in the world uses computers."

In attendance at the conference was Vice President Al Gore, who in his keynote speech said he someday foresees "a single, unified global computing community, in which men from as far off as New Zealand and Germany will be able to log onto their computers and masturbate silently in the dark to the same pair of breasts."

"This," Gore stressed, "is the exciting promise of the Information Age."

To compete with Microsoft, Netscape is currently developing BreastLink 8000, a state-of-the-art, fiber-optic downlink device which will one day meld the television, telephone and computer into a single breast-viewing device.

"BreastLink 8000 will be the center of every family home someday," Netscape CEO James Barksdale said. "It will make 72 dpi images of breasts obsolete, replacing them with supra-real photos and quick-time movies. Waiting several seconds for breast pictures to download on our clunky computers of today is simply barbaric."

Negroponte agreed with Barksdale: "Revolutionary. Computers. Internet. Future."

Educators present at the conference stressed the importance of keeping America's children on top of all the latest breast-viewing technology.

"Breasts will be a vital educational tool in the years to come," said Chicago-area elementary school teacher Pat Ross. "We must be careful that we don't fall so far behind that there becomes a 'breast gap' between children of the U.S. and those of other nations."

While the ripe, juicy, heaving bosoms of nubile females was the main focus of the technology summit, many in attendance promised a future bright with wonders beyond breasts.

"A cornucopia of bare, wet rumps; hot and horny lesbian action; and naked nympho sluts in various stages of auto-erotica await the computer user of the future," said Wired editor Phil Henson. "The flesh-sampling possibilities are virtually limitless. It's very exciting."

"What an extraordinary time to be a child," said Walter Lowery, of Phillips Magnavox's new BreastTV.

On-line breast viewing, or "the Internet," is currently a $20 billion a year enterprise.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close