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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Experts Say Breakfast Now Sixth Most Important Meal Of The Day

WASHINGTON—A new report from the Food and Drug Administration has found that breakfast, once considered the most important meal of the day, has now slipped to sixth place, below brunch and just above midnight snack. "Significant gains by lunch and dessert badly damaged breakfast's standing in the late 1990s," culinary analyst Myron Jeffries said. "Add to that the blockbuster debut of second-breakfast in 2007 and a renewed interest in leftover-pizza pre-lunch, and breakfast is in a downward spiral it may never recover from. Especially considering the popularity of super-brunch." The makers of Eggo frozen waffles reportedly expressed no concern at the news, as waffle-dinner is still holding strong at No. 3.

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