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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet

SILVER SPRING, MD—According to alarming new findings released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole goddamn foot soaking wet. “In just the next 10 years, our models predict a 36 percent rise in stepping off a curb into a huge, stupid puddle you didn’t think would be that fucking deep,” said NOAA researcher Colin Durocher, adding that recent projections have shown the Eastern Seaboard could be worst affected by pant cuffs being dampened halfway up the goddamn ankle and it being way too late to go home and change. “Unless we take action now, we had better prepare for a future in which our entire dumb sock is sopping wet for the whole day and our shoe makes a disgusting squishing sound every time we take a fucking step.” Durocher warned that scientists also expect to see a similarly sharp increase in incidences of stupid, piece-of-shit umbrellas being blown inside out when you’re just trying to get to your damn car.

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