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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet

SILVER SPRING, MD—According to alarming new findings released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole goddamn foot soaking wet. “In just the next 10 years, our models predict a 36 percent rise in stepping off a curb into a huge, stupid puddle you didn’t think would be that fucking deep,” said NOAA researcher Colin Durocher, adding that recent projections have shown the Eastern Seaboard could be worst affected by pant cuffs being dampened halfway up the goddamn ankle and it being way too late to go home and change. “Unless we take action now, we had better prepare for a future in which our entire dumb sock is sopping wet for the whole day and our shoe makes a disgusting squishing sound every time we take a fucking step.” Durocher warned that scientists also expect to see a similarly sharp increase in incidences of stupid, piece-of-shit umbrellas being blown inside out when you’re just trying to get to your damn car.

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