Experts Warn: NBA Season May Begin Sometime In Next Three To Six Weeks

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Vol 42 Issue 41

CBGB's Closes Down

After 33 years hosting punk shows, legendary club CBGB's closed its doors on Sunday. What do you think?

Oct. 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Experts Warn: NBA Season May Begin Sometime In Next Three To Six Weeks

BRISTOL, CT—Leading basketball experts predicted yesterday that many, if not all, of the teams in the National Basketball Association are planning to begin regular-season play by the end of the month. "I know nobody wants to hear this with football season beginning to pick up steam and the baseball playoffs going on, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't inform all of you that by the beginning of November, every professional basketball team, I repeat, every NBA team, will have played one regular season game," said ESPN's Dr. Jack Ramsay during an NBA season-preview segment on SportsCenter. "And my sources tell me that after that, the teams fully intend to play 81 more." According to Ramsay, even the Portland Trail Blazers, the NBA's worst team last season, are planning on playing a full NBA schedule come November.

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