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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Experts Warn: NBA Season May Begin Sometime In Next Three To Six Weeks

BRISTOL, CT—Leading basketball experts predicted yesterday that many, if not all, of the teams in the National Basketball Association are planning to begin regular-season play by the end of the month. "I know nobody wants to hear this with football season beginning to pick up steam and the baseball playoffs going on, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't inform all of you that by the beginning of November, every professional basketball team, I repeat, every NBA team, will have played one regular season game," said ESPN's Dr. Jack Ramsay during an NBA season-preview segment on SportsCenter. "And my sources tell me that after that, the teams fully intend to play 81 more." According to Ramsay, even the Portland Trail Blazers, the NBA's worst team last season, are planning on playing a full NBA schedule come November.

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