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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Experts Warn Situation In Gaza Will Get Worse Before It Gets Much Worse

GAZA CITY—Following three weeks of escalating bloodshed throughout the Gaza Strip, experts on the conflict warned Thursday that it will only get worse before it gets far worse. “With increasing bombardment and ground fighting, and no sign of a ceasefire in sight, it’s clear that the situation in Gaza will unfortunately continue to deteriorate before it can finally take a turn for the truly horrific,” said Institute for Palestine Studies senior fellow Nadia Hijab, predicting that, with the deaths of more than 1,300 people and the displacement of approximately 500,000 Palestinians, it seemed likely that the violence would only get more severe before the two sides are ultimately able to agree on intensifying it still further. “Neither Hamas nor Israeli forces are showing any sign of letting up, and I fear that only when this crisis reaches a low point will it finally descend to a point even lower than that.” Hijab added that, as the conflict continues to worsen, the United States may have no choice but to ramp up its effectively nonexistent diplomatic efforts and do absolutely nothing.

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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

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