Expiration Of Contract Allows Fergie To Put On Pair Of Pants For First Time In 5 Years

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Vol 47 Issue 39

Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish.

Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Entertainment

Expiration Of Contract Allows Fergie To Put On Pair Of Pants For First Time In 5 Years

BRENTWOOD, CA—Black Eyed Peas vocalist Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson told reporters Wednesday her contract with the group has expired, legally allowing her to wear pants for the first time since 2006. "Ahhhh," said Fergie, pulling on a pair of tan slacks. "Pants." The singing sensation added that while her agreement is being renegotiated, she will enjoy not having to contact Will.i.am every four hours, not referring to her breasts as her "lady lumps," and remaining silent on the highly drivable qualities of the new Honda Civic.

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