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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Expiration Of Contract Allows Fergie To Put On Pair Of Pants For First Time In 5 Years

BRENTWOOD, CA—Black Eyed Peas vocalist Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson told reporters Wednesday her contract with the group has expired, legally allowing her to wear pants for the first time since 2006. "Ahhhh," said Fergie, pulling on a pair of tan slacks. "Pants." The singing sensation added that while her agreement is being renegotiated, she will enjoy not having to contact Will.i.am every four hours, not referring to her breasts as her "lady lumps," and remaining silent on the highly drivable qualities of the new Honda Civic.

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