Express-Lane Cashier Confirms Her Nails Are Real

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Express-Lane Cashier Confirms Her Nails Are Real

MONROE, MI–Farmer Jack cashier Brenda Herman confirmed the authenticity of her fingernails Tuesday, telling customer Courtney Klapisch that "they're totally real." "They're all mine–I've been growing them for three and a half weeks now," said the 24-year-old Herman, carefully ringing in Klapisch's grocery items with a pencil to avoid breaking the impressively long, fuschia-colored nails. "I do a daily application of Maybelline Express Finish nail strengthener and a top coat of Revivánail. I also get a weekly French manicure at Peggy's Nail Hut." Herman, who complements her nails with large gold rings on each finger, said she hopes to add a diagonal metallic glitter stripe to the nails in the near future.