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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Express-Lane Cashier Confirms Her Nails Are Real

MONROE, MI–Farmer Jack cashier Brenda Herman confirmed the authenticity of her fingernails Tuesday, telling customer Courtney Klapisch that "they're totally real." "They're all mine–I've been growing them for three and a half weeks now," said the 24-year-old Herman, carefully ringing in Klapisch's grocery items with a pencil to avoid breaking the impressively long, fuschia-colored nails. "I do a daily application of Maybelline Express Finish nail strengthener and a top coat of Revivánail. I also get a weekly French manicure at Peggy's Nail Hut." Herman, who complements her nails with large gold rings on each finger, said she hopes to add a diagonal metallic glitter stripe to the nails in the near future.

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