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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Express-Lane Cashier Confirms Her Nails Are Real

MONROE, MI–Farmer Jack cashier Brenda Herman confirmed the authenticity of her fingernails Tuesday, telling customer Courtney Klapisch that "they're totally real." "They're all mine–I've been growing them for three and a half weeks now," said the 24-year-old Herman, carefully ringing in Klapisch's grocery items with a pencil to avoid breaking the impressively long, fuschia-colored nails. "I do a daily application of Maybelline Express Finish nail strengthener and a top coat of Revivánail. I also get a weekly French manicure at Peggy's Nail Hut." Herman, who complements her nails with large gold rings on each finger, said she hopes to add a diagonal metallic glitter stripe to the nails in the near future.

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