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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Expressing Deeply Held Political Opinion Referred To As ‘Gaffe’

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to quell the media firestorm surrounding controversial comments made last week by Kentucky Rep. Richard Wescott, aides to the congressman told reporters Monday that the exact expression of one of his deeply felt opinions was a regrettable “gaffe” and nothing more. “The representative misspoke,” a senior staffer said of Wescott’s decision to candidly state a conviction that has guided his entire three-decade career in public service and influenced most, if not all, of his legislation. “Going forward, Representative Wescott will work to [keep this cornerstone political belief silent when in the presence of cameras or microphones, and only allow it to inform the way he votes on bills and measures in Congress, represents the 600,000 individuals in his district, and assesses nearly every policy decision he is faced with]. He is truly sorry.” At press time, most of Westcott’s constituents had accepted his apology after he vowed to “give every ounce of effort” toward achieving several goals neither he nor they actually cared about one way or the other.

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