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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Expressing Deeply Held Political Opinion Referred To As ‘Gaffe’

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to quell the media firestorm surrounding controversial comments made last week by Kentucky Rep. Richard Wescott, aides to the congressman told reporters Monday that the exact expression of one of his deeply felt opinions was a regrettable “gaffe” and nothing more. “The representative misspoke,” a senior staffer said of Wescott’s decision to candidly state a conviction that has guided his entire three-decade career in public service and influenced most, if not all, of his legislation. “Going forward, Representative Wescott will work to [keep this cornerstone political belief silent when in the presence of cameras or microphones, and only allow it to inform the way he votes on bills and measures in Congress, represents the 600,000 individuals in his district, and assesses nearly every policy decision he is faced with]. He is truly sorry.” At press time, most of Westcott’s constituents had accepted his apology after he vowed to “give every ounce of effort” toward achieving several goals neither he nor they actually cared about one way or the other.

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