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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Exterminator Kind Of Surprised Apartment Doesn't Have Roaches

CHICAGO—During his monthly visit to the building at the corner of Spaulding and Milwaukee Avenues, Pest-Away exterminator Harold Batten was once again mildly baffled to find that, despite its unsanitary condition and state of utter disrepair, apartment 4B contained no roaches. "You have got to be kidding me," said Batten, who used a high-powered flashlight to inspect a sink containing two weeks' worth of dirty dishes in 4 inches of gray water and soggy cereal bits. "I should look underneath that bathtub again or check around that lasagna pan on the couch, because there is just no way." Batten was reportedly also surprised by the apartment's lack of mice, rats, bedbugs, or eviction notices.

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