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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Exterminator Kind Of Surprised Apartment Doesn't Have Roaches

CHICAGO—During his monthly visit to the building at the corner of Spaulding and Milwaukee Avenues, Pest-Away exterminator Harold Batten was once again mildly baffled to find that, despite its unsanitary condition and state of utter disrepair, apartment 4B contained no roaches. "You have got to be kidding me," said Batten, who used a high-powered flashlight to inspect a sink containing two weeks' worth of dirty dishes in 4 inches of gray water and soggy cereal bits. "I should look underneath that bathtub again or check around that lasagna pan on the couch, because there is just no way." Batten was reportedly also surprised by the apartment's lack of mice, rats, bedbugs, or eviction notices.

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