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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Exterminator Kind Of Surprised Apartment Doesn't Have Roaches

CHICAGO—During his monthly visit to the building at the corner of Spaulding and Milwaukee Avenues, Pest-Away exterminator Harold Batten was once again mildly baffled to find that, despite its unsanitary condition and state of utter disrepair, apartment 4B contained no roaches. "You have got to be kidding me," said Batten, who used a high-powered flashlight to inspect a sink containing two weeks' worth of dirty dishes in 4 inches of gray water and soggy cereal bits. "I should look underneath that bathtub again or check around that lasagna pan on the couch, because there is just no way." Batten was reportedly also surprised by the apartment's lack of mice, rats, bedbugs, or eviction notices.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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