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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Extremely Uptight Olympic Procession Director During Opening Ceremony: 'Wrong, Wrong, This Is All Wrong!'

VANCOUVER—Olympic Procession director Bryan Anderson, known for his vigilant attention to detail and his violent temper, was furious with the apparent "sloppiness" and "unprofessionalism" during the athletes' opening ceremony march-in Friday night, sources reported. "No! Wrong! Don't cue the chimes now. It's too early. The chimes come on during Belgium, not Belarus!" a red-faced Anderson was overheard yelling just moments before he flipped over a chair and fired a handful of Olympic staffers for their "apparent decision to be morons today." "Come on, we got Azerbaijan on hold in the tunnel, let's move, people. You had your moment, Egypt. Less waving, more walking. Would it kill the Swiss to unravel their flag before they bring it out? Where's my spotlight? Where the hell is my goddamned spotlight?" Once the entire ceremony was completed, Anderson reportedly took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "We did it. Great work, everyone."

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