adBlockCheck

Extremely Vibrant Town Able To Sustain Two Buffalo Wild Wings

Top Headlines

Business

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Extremely Vibrant Town Able To Sustain Two Buffalo Wild Wings

PEORIA, IL—Sources confirmed Monday that the unprecedented prosperity and wealth exhibited in Peoria, IL is evidenced by the vibrant and economically robust town’s ability to sustain not one but two Buffalo Wild Wings locations. “Normally, having more than one Buffalo Wild Wings in a single municipality isn’t remotely feasible from an economic standpoint, but in Peoria, which is essentially the very definition of a boomtown, it’s almost expected,” said University of Chicago economist Robert Lucas, adding that one need not look any further for symbols of citywide prosperity than the Buffalo Wild Wings at 5121 W. American Prairie Dr. and the Buffalo Wild Wings at 833 W. Camp St. “If you consider the kind of thriving local economy it takes to support such an extravagant luxury, it’s clear that Peoria has an abundance of riches that puts ‘wealthy’ cities like Oslo, Abu Dhabi, and Tokyo to shame. This truly is the city of gold.” Lucas went on to compare Peoria’s enormous wealth to its sister city of Bloomington, IN, whose financial largess is embodied by the town’s five McDonald’s locations.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close